Monday, April 23, 2018

Shoved into La La Land

Since I've decicided to stay in this relationship for the kids sake for a little bit longer I've again taken a back seat to watch this addiction unfold. What I'm seeing this week has me ticked off.

My partner is continuing to push his 'dream land' on others. As in "Hey I heard this great idea from one of my talking heads 'we' which really means 'you' should try this out!

Cases in point.

My son's therapist gave me a list of ideas to try as behavior motivators for my son. The goal is to eliminate getting constant phone calls about bad behavior from the school. I relayed them to my partner. He then took off about how this one article that he read this one time said... yada yada...

I realized at that point that 99% of the time every issue and conflict in his life is redirected to the words from one of his talking heads. I'm beginning to wonder if he's ever had any original ideas or if he's capable of taking another idea and meshing it with his own situation to come up with a working solution.

That conversation segued into him informing me that two months ago he decided that I needed help managing my freelance job so he signed himself up for an online freelance course he found at $30/month - and then didn't touch it for two months. He said he was now going to cancel it but if I wanted to go in there and check it out for the next two weeks he had left I could. WTF?

So basically he wasted $60 on a class that he took for me without telling me about it, but in the end decided to shove it back onto me as somehow it's become my responsibility to make his choice worth something. He claims he didn't say anything because I'm basically pig headed and don't listen to a thing anyone suggests to me so he was going to take the class and 'filter' it for me. Regardless of the fact that I've been running this freelance business for 20 years now, he and this move is in large part responsible for the decline in work, and my best guess is that most of what he'd be learning to present as 'new' information to me I'd have learned decades ago when I started the business and I'd be like "well duh" - hence the label of pig headed and unreasonable and never take other peoples suggestions (funny enough I'm currently in my own online class beefing up my skills which I know will help my business... so no I don't have time for your insanity with this). So much whacked out logic there.

Then I find out as I go to take care of the bills this week that he has moved another $300 of our savings (which isn't really savings because we live paycheck to paycheck) into his damned cryptocurrency account possibly the most volatile investment in existence, which again he got into because of talking heads.

Not to mention that he didn't attend therapy two weeks this month because he didn't feel like it, but we still got charged for it so another $60 down the toilet, not to mention the insane amount of money he's spent on books, media, and other entertainment not related to the numerous subscriptions we already have. I'm struggling to find money to cover all the bills and get the kids' camps taken care of this summer and he's sucking money away.

Now we get to this morning. The man decided to toilet train the cats. In January. That means that for the last 4 months I've had to remove a litter pan from the toilet every time I use it generally scattering litter and dripping cat pee all over the bathroom floor because of the hole in the pan. One cat's mostly got it the other not so much. That means that in addition to the bathroom mess I also have pee and poop in random locations in my house regularly.

This morning he got up and discovered it in the tub. He immediately woke my son out of a deep sleep to go clean up the mess. So this is what I saw.... his project now somehow 'our' project fails because he cut a hole too large in the litter pan this last round and for three days the cat has been rebelling. He's the first one up, finds the mess but instead insists on callously waking my son up first thing Monday morning to clean up a nasty mess he not only caused but discovered. Who does that?

So I called him on it. Reasonably laying out how rude it is to wake somebody up out of a deep sleep and force them to clean up a mess they had nothing to do with, and also asking that he make the hole smaller so he can step the cats down since he restarted this farce 3 weeks ago with a new toilet seat.  He in turn blew up, got loud, deflected everything, refused to claim any ownership of the situation, shoved everything back on me for the cats care and threw a 15 minute tantrum. Sound familiar? Like I just didn't go through this same shit with the class he registered for me that I knew nothing about?

I went back to bed and honestly heard him talking in a milder kinder voice to the cats than he did to his own kids as they hurried to get ready. My poor son was very soft spoken and careful after the rant this morning toward him which also shouldn't have happened.

I woke up both literally and figuratively this morning.

1. This ADHD stupidity isn't going to fly with me around the kids. However unless they are in danger I will only confront him now via email or text so that I have a physical copy of his responses in writing. It's time to start my own paper trail of stupid.

2. He's now dragging the kids into this fantasy world of his and pawning his projects off on them to accomplish. Also not going to fly. His uncle tried to pawn his 'trillion dollar project' of on us just the same way and got offended when we didn't bite he should have learned this concept by now - your dreams are your dreams, don't rely on others if you want to see it actually happen. They have their own they are working on.

3. His illogical loud rages complete with deflection, DARVO, etc are not healthy for these kids to see or learn from. They would be better off away from this behavior. If it's only going to get worse while he really detoxes then we should run like hell now.

4. He forced his idea of breakfast on the kids this morning pushing them to tears about forcing it down as he often does and most of the time I don't even like what he makes It's not going to kill them but they shouldn't be forced to eat it either. He even told my daughter that it was good and that she WILL like it emphasis on the 'will' pushing her to invalidate her own feelings on the subject. They're old enough to figure out what they like and don't like and shouldn't have food forced on them with guilt.

5. His continued lack of respect for our budget situation, selfish purchases, etc. are beginning to make me wonder just how bad this spending is going to get with him as our budget needs increase. It's almost like if he's not going to spend the money on prostitutes he's still going to spend it on other entertainment venues - like watching cryptocurrency market values with his own $1000 on the line or pouring money into stuff he hears about from his talking heads and then never taking the value offered wasting $$. I feel like our money is back in danger.

6. This man has exactly 1 year left to get a plan implemented to get these kids into their own rooms. I'm not going to be doing any of the footwork for that. If at the end of next year he hasn't figured it out I'm taking my life back and fixing the problem without him.

7. The cats have 6 more weeks until the end of school to get this figured out or we go back to a litter box.

8. A week ago I asked him for a hug. Where I thought I'd find comfort for even a minute after a crap day all I found was awkwardness and discomfort. There was nothing there. Since then I guess he thinks the door is open and he's started propositioning me again. The answer is a solid no.

9. I'm going to have this book written and ready for review by the end of summer and ready for ebook publishing in the fall while I save some money for print copies. Once the book is ready I'm going to implement my other new business idea and have it in place for Christmas. I've found another local illustrator I think I can work with so that will help with any rushes. After that I start saving my $$ for a move I see coming soon.

10. I have been living a life of relative comfort lately as I have withdrawn from many normal responsibilities to focus on my needs, sleep, and try to manage all these crap emotions I deal with because of my partner. It's time to put the work/sacrifice hat on and step it back up a few notches. It's obvious I'm getting nothing more from him.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Demand Resistance

My partner is working on three weeks now of not attending his weekly meeting. The problem stems from the fact that he's not just not attended... but withdrawn to his room with a closed door away from the family during that meeting time frame making us believe he was in a meeting while he was watching a movie instead. He's also lied to me point blank about having attended when in reality it was a bold faced lie which quickly came to light on my insistence.

Tonight I was reading up on the story of a poor woman trying to get a house ready to move out of along with 4 kids and the partner has already moved to the new location dumping all of that extra work and crazy on her - on top of leaving all of his stuff behind for her to deal with. Boy have I been there.

The few times he has been around to help he's done the absolute last thing on the list of thing needing doing. He won't pack his crap out of the garage or shed... but he'll power wash the driveway for 5 hours straight. Someone commenting on the story offered these links and some new insight into something called Demand Resistance. Fascinating read and my partner spot on.


There are different negative personality traits that can be associated with those who fall into addiction. Most people will have heard of the ‘addictive personality’, but it is also fairly common for this type of individual to exhibit signs of demand resistance. This means that they rebel against being told what to do. The individual may even respond to any demands that are put upon them by doing the complete opposite.

-Addiction Helpline

Does this sound familiar?
  • You prepare a "To Do List" but start working on other projects instead.
  • You resent all criticism of your work-however fair, gentle, or helpful.
  • You unconsciously oppose having to do anything that is expected of you.

Demand-Resistance is defined as a chronic and automatic negative inner response to the perception of pressure, expectations, or demands (from within or without)(Mallinger and De Wyze, 1992). As a form of self-sabotage, this (usually unconscious) resistance takes a heavy toll on our homes, our lives, our work, our relationships. We frequently feel frustrated by and angry at ourselves and our situations. We're helpless, it's hopeless: and we don't know how to change.
 
What causes demand-resistance? Like many other personality disfunctions, its roots go back to childhood. Did you have an overly critical or controlling family? Perhaps your parents were overprotective: implying that you were too weak or too stupid to do things by and for yourself. The constant demands and rules of perfectionist parents can leave their offspring with a legacy of resentment towards any kind of authority, including their own inner wishes. Our angry two-year-old Inner Child prevents our Adult Self from taking control of our grown-up lives.

People who suffer from Demand-Resistance are frequently unaware of this fact. Instead they feel suppressed anger, and may develop a reputation as stubborn and obstinate. They hear the advice from well-meaning friends ("just do it") and immediately they go on High Alert, finding every possible reason and excuse and justification to explain WHY we can't "just do it."

- Squalor Survivors

http://www.squalorsurvivors.com/overcoming/yourself/demand-resistance.shtml

https://www.addiction.org.uk/how-demand-resistance-complicates-addiction-recovery/

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Garlic Toast

Shall we play that always fun game... is it Addiction or is it ADHD??

Sunday I caught the flu for the first time in years. This one's an odd one though... it's sent my head spinning uncontrollably to a point that I haven't dared drive over the last 3 days and I can only work for short periods before I have to lay down again. It's been a really bugger.

Last night I got up long enough to throw some spaghetti noodles in a pot and open a can of green beans to throw in the microwave for dinner for the kids and my husband. The kids weren't coming home from an activity until late, but he had a therapy meeting so I made the effort to do it early. Once the spaghetti was ready I asked him if he'd like some garlic bread with it.

Now my version of garlic bread is buttered toast with sprinkled garlic salt on it. 2 minutes and I get to go lie back down to keep the world from spinning and my hands from shaking all over the place.

He said sure! Then continued with - I just bought a whole bunch of garlic you could toast that and mash it with butter and spread that on the bread it would be awesome. In my lethargy not a word of that registered for about a minute after it came out of his head. Here I am barely able to stand without holding onto something, sacrificing myself to make him a meal, and he wants me to peal, chop and toast garlic cloves until they are soft and then mash them with butter for his toast?

What?!

Addict or ADHD.

Normally I'd say stupid ADHD but then he proceeded to forget he had an online therapy meeting, and when reminded simply retreated to his room shortly before the kids got back to 'pretend' he was in a meeting leaving me to take care of them until bed time in my muddled state. So Addict.

I've had a lot of time to think while lying staring at the ceiling lately. Sometime early this morning the thought came to me (after a potent nightmare which funny enough incorporated all of my current aggravations/fears from the parking issues and bad neighborhood here to loosing the kids and suffocating) of how absolutely lazy and unconnected this man is and to see how long it's been going on.

Honestly how much is ADHD and how much is the Addiction?

When his addiction started at 10 and all he was thinking about was his penis and finding 'true love' to meet his innermost insecurities and needs I was learning how to serve others and make their lives better. In school he focussed on porn and tricking women into getting what he wanted while I focused on people, science, and art. He headed off to prison and halfway houses for 10 years working at whatever odd job presented itself and lying around reading mindless books to wish the time away while I finished college, got started in a career, traveled the world saw my own country from the outside, learned other peoples politics and cultures, started preparing for retirement.

He continued to lust and take every chance he got while I got married and learned love wasn't easy and relationships could suck and I tried to figure out how to fix that and myself to be better at it if the chance ever came around again. I met him and offered him a hand up out of the massive hole he'd dug for himself - what I didn't see was that not only was he still digging the pit deeper but he also didn't want to get out of it. I was stubborn though and held on. I was going to give him the leg up he needed to get back to some kind of level ground. I sacrificed everything for him. My time, money, job, dreams, family, friends, safety.

For every ounce of kindness and caring and service I've given him he's put almost no effort, over and over and over again, ignoring my very existence as he's walked in to meet another prostitute. I gave him everything - he's dismissed me as easily as flushing used toilet paper. Oh but according to him I just don't know what it's like to be so drunk that only the next hit matters. It's easy to forget everything good in your life when only your next lust hit matters. In reality it just shows what value he's places on 'all the other good stuff' that he can so easily leave in the gutter.

Eventually I got so tired I had to let go. I had to let it all go.

And finally he's noticed and acknowledged the disappearing act. He's whined about it in true textbook Addict fashion in fact. How my boundaries aren't fair, how my cold treatment isn't fair, how I should still be helping him out of that damned hole. How he's not happy with the relationship any more because I offer him no attention any more. How he wishes I'd just punch him and get my anger out and we could move forward how he wants to.... me holding his hand and him still digging that pit deeper and forgetting I even exist.

I realized today how little we really have in common. How little I really know him. How at his age there is going to be little to no progress any more on most of his big words. How my sitting down to wait for him to climb out of the pit on his own is most likely going to be just as fruitless as all these years I've spent physically mentally and spiritually trying to pull him out of it.

I wish he'd get this ADHD under control with some medication. Maybe that would be a game changer. Maybe not. I don't see any real will in him to change.