Tuesday, October 18, 2016


Today I am just feeling sadness and pain. It's been a rough day... actually a rough couple of days. I see people around me enjoying so many of the things that I don't have. Things that I thought I would have by now. Things that in my dreams are slowly slipping away. My grand view of marriage and our progress through this life and the next... those sustaining dreams are the ones that are dissolving away before my eyes and I'm so discouraged that I'm just letting them go. I don't want to fight this addiction battle any more.

I feel like I've been crying for three days straight and today I had a visit from a friend who I am honestly not that close to but who is one of the only people in my real life that knows most of the story. It didn't really help. She knows of the addiction and prison time and my frustration with the ongoing acting out. She didn't know though that I was so close to leaving, or that my path is sinking quickly in the sand. She told me that she's been watching me and she told me that I've been looking so sad when we're together. She didn't know why until now and she said she was so sorry I had to go through this.

It was all I could do to hold it together with her. I don't know why it is that people showing me sympathy for my situation just stabs me in the heart every time. It's like it makes it real and not just some nightmare that I can't wake up from. I also told her my plans to find a job when I'm back home visiting next summer if things don't show some marked improvement soon. It was the first time I'd spoken those words out loud as well and the devastation of having to make that decision has really hit  home as well.

I feel like I've been crying for hours today the emotions are so close to the surface. My husband knows I'm in pain. I tried to talk to him tonight but he's in a place of confusion and pain himself. He can't take any more of my pain either. We're both falling apart right now. I just don't understand why there is no visible improvement in his cycle. It's what I'm waiting for to make my decision to go and he isn't making the effort to fight this in my eyes.

He's switched to being the victim again and while he knows what he has to do he's using his 'helplessness' to protect the addiction now. He can 'fight the good fight' on the surface... but the addict has just changed tactics and now. Its not to the point of 'I just can't help it' but it's starting to ring of that statement.

I guess I can say that at least he's starting to get tired of this joke that has become his life. He's tired of hurting people but when he's in that addict mode he's blacked out and beyond feeling. I'm really not sure that he is going to kick this. If he stays on his current timeline he'll be too old to do anything with his life when he finds release from this addiction. I certainly can't put up with it for that long.

I just feel like my heart is being beaten over and over with a bat today. I'm tired of feeling pain all the time.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Little to celebrate

As I was walking out of the room last night my husband asked me to remind him how long this separation was going to be. I told him by my records it's March (it was December). He whined a little and then said half-jokingly that we may need to renegotiate that. I wasn't amused. He still has no idea that I know about the additional massage... and he's acting like it not only never happened but that life should all just go on happy and hunky dory. I'm not taking the bait this time. 

I've come to realize some truths. My husband is a black out drunk. He hits that point of addiction where he claims he has 'no control' over his thoughts and actions until his chemicals let him back out of animal brain mode. I've seen it... but I could never put it into words. Just like a drunk or a drug addict that can't remember what they did the night before - that is the level of lust addiction he's hit. Blackout drunk. It may take him 24-48 hours to completely erase his actions from his memory for his own personal survival but he forgets none the less. Swiss cheese brains is what I call it. He even sends good memories along with the bad ones and then rewrites his roll in history. I don't want that kind of person near me or my kids. They aren't safe on so many levels. 

I also know that I'm tired of being lied to, stolen from, manipulated, and cheated on. I've given him the benefit of the doubt to the point that now I'm just the enabler and it's expected. He gets to keep his family, his addiction, his fantasy world of delusion that life is ok, oh and the prostitutes because he has lost little to nothing for his actions yet. He has no idea just how far away from him I've walked over the last 4+ years. 

I'm also tired of him doing everything and anything to protect his own ass. I know that's part of the addiction and it's a good indicator of exactly where he's at in recovery. How many times have we had the conversation that I have a right to know what's going on to protect myself? How many times have I covered the boundary of 24 hour confessions? How many times has he been told that it's more painful to be lied to than to be told that he'd been unfaithful? It's even worse for him to play husband of the year and be kind and loving when all I really want is the truth... radical complete truth. 

Today is our anniversary. 11 years of this crap. I'm sleeping on the couch or in the kids room pretty much permanently now. There is zero intimacy or desire for it on my part. There's barely even a friendship at this point. Friends don't cheat and steal and lie to each other. 

I celebrated with the kids yesterday by going sightseeing and to a local theme park. We had a ball! Then I had to come home to Mr lies and deceit who still can't figure out why his wife doesn't want anything to do with him. He thinks we should sit down and have a 'talk' because obviously there is something bothering me. Duh. At least he remembered our anniversary this year for a change. The only gift I would even accept this year is a full confession and some humility for a change. 

Friday, September 30, 2016


I'm helping with a funeral today. House sitting and food prep for the family of the passed. I didn't know him well, but I dearly love his wife. She is the epitomy of what I want to be like when I get older. Sweet, giving, kind, everything you could want in a wife, mother and friend. There wasn't even a question that I'd be helping out this family today.

This woman loved her husband. It was hard toward the end with the health issues, but she had good kids to support her and her kindness to others was repaid in her need. It's sad to see marriages like this one end in death. It seems there should be a kinder transition for the living spouse. Perhaps a marriage well lived is it's own reward.

While I sit here in her beautiful home I know she was cared for. How couldn't she be? It's sad to compare that to where I'm at mentally and spiritually now.

I discovered two sleepless and depressing days ago that the addict went to another massage parlor less than 3 weeks after I told him he'd just about lost his family completely that day. Things in my life were so 6's that day that me walking out the door would have been just as easy as me staying. I decided to stay for the dog, the kids school, my volunteer work - not him. I should have just gone.

Not only had he done that on one of the sunday's that I kicked him out and he came home late...but he hasn't said a word to me in over a month about it and the way he's acting now he's forgotten all about it. Rugswept like every other time... like I don't deserve to make my own decisions to keep me and the kids safe. Just protecting his own ass.

Things have changed a lot in 3 years - in me though, not in him. when I moved here I honestly was willing to give this a chance. I gave up literally everything but my kids to come here. To give him a chance to screw his life back together... instead he's just screwed whores.

Something has snapped completely for me. Before when I decided to come here I cared still. Before I had hope. Now... I have nothing but a sick stomach and I'm feeling ready to pick up the harness again and start walking. He's not going to change. And what scares me more is that he honestly is acting like his thoughts and actions aren't his own. It's like he blacks out until well after the act and then wipes his memory shortly after. Not only isn't he taking responsiblitiy... but I can't have that kind of brainless monster loose near my kids or me.

It also doesn't help that his current writings are full of 'god loves me' 'I know god forgives me' 'I know the atonement is for me'. He's taking the repentance process and skipping over all but the recognizition step. He know's he's sinned. He knows, he can't get away from it no matter how hard he tries... but he's decided that just saying 'jesus loves me' gets him all the points and how convenient to gloss over remorse (that gets rugswept and minimalized), restitution (no point fixing things if you're just going to keep breaking them), reformation (but that would mean giving up the addiction), and resolution (something he's rarely ever done in his life anyway). The atonement is for everybody... but the consequences of denying your responsibility are eternal. It's like he's using the atonement to justify the actions of his addiction now because well 'satan really made me do it' but 'god loves me anyway'. I don't like this turn of events at all.

I'm so tired of being lied to and made a fool... I really am. I'm tired of knowing that I'll never be enough for him. I'm tired of being emotionally jerked around and my sacrifices being discarded by a man who I've come to realize never has loved me, can love me, or will love me. I've married two complete assholes in a row now. I may never know what real love is. I know I'll never know what trust in a relationship looks like. I sometimes think that this whole relationship has just been a joke to him.

This funeral today is probably a good step in my life as far as the timing. It's time to let go. Sadly most of the mourning for this relationship has already happened... I just keep dragging the corpse around. I need to bury it and move on.  Unless something drastic happens I plan on sticking this out through the end of the school year. Hopefully the stars will align correctly at that point for me to find a job and return to my old state permanently. I regret taking the kids away from the good things their father does for them... but it's far outweighing the bad at this point. I mean down the road how do I explain to my daughter why I'm staying in a relationship like this? I would want her to run like hell away from a man like her father. I can't enable this any more.