Monday, April 24, 2017

Split in the road

Q & A has been going relatively well for the last few nights. I feel like I'm getting some of the answers I need to process life and he seems to enjoy the attention. It's becoming increasingly clear however that he isn't being honest with his binging. Since it's 'nothing new' to report as per the question since he's always been addicted and rarely ever sober that no longer seems to qualify as important info any longer. The logic just kills me.

I finally gave in on his constant search for 'answers' that he really already has but refuses to act on them and made a couples counseling appointment with a very expensive therapist in charge of the program we are both working with. I hesitate for many reasons... mostly because I feel this is just another bandaid covering a severed artery that he refuses to acknowledge... it's just another excuse not to do the real work.

I'll never understand my husband for that. He spends his entire life searching for 'the cure'. It has to be quick, easy, painless, and treat everything about himself, wipe out the addiction completely with no real pain or effort of his own, and he's going to use the search for that ever elusive cure to justify his reasoning for not simply just walking away from the destructive behaviors... I mean how dare I complain because look 'he's working on it'... bs.

So looking at this appointment... in my opinion it's just another "I don't know how to do this" call hoping for any other answer besides 'walk through it'. My husband is going to need the majority of the time, but I do have one question I need answered desperately.

How do I deal with a man who has such outlandish ideas and is using his quest for wholeness to get around just quitting the damn mess all together. How do I sit here and listen to his newest revelations on how to get well when they are so far out there and are just complicating the fact that he just needs to stop. Every time we go through this he ends up offended because I'm not supporting him, I'm shooting him down, I'm not encouraging him to succeed. That resentment is the number one justification he uses to continue acting out. He resents me so he acts out. I'm his excuse for a miserable life. I push too hard, I'm not supportive of the stupid pathways and time wasters that lead no where.

As I've thought about this meeting I see myself coming up on a crossroads with him. Now in my family for generations we've been taught that the only way you get ahead and succeed in life is to do the work, put in the effort, keep walking forward. Use your brains to gather information as you go so that when the time comes to make a choice you are prepared to make the best one. So the whole time I've been walking I've been gathering information - where is my end target, what problems do I need to prepare for, who is on the journey with me, what do they know. So when I get to this fork in the road I may make camp for the night, say a few prayers, make a hard decision to pick a road, but in the morning I get up and pick a road I think is going to get me where I want to go. I just plow through. I keep walking forward.

My husband on the other hand has done no preparation before hand when we get to the crossroads. He was too busy in his fantasy world of everything he was going to do when he gets to the end and all the success and glory he's going to get. So when he gets to the crossroads he's clueless as to where to go next and too petrified of making the wrong choice to choose.

So he sits down and stews for a few days. Then he gets destracted studying the flowers and trees and stars. Then he thinks... well maybe if I was in better physical condition I'd feel more comefortable hiking that path so he starts a diet and a training regimin and starts researching pills and other things to help him get ready to move down the path.

By this point I'm at the distant turn in the road calling for him to get his butt moving. But he doesn't want to make the sacrifice yet to change...

So he decides that rather than risk it himself because he's still not ready to make the real effort he's going to ask someone to walk down the path and then come back and tell him what it's like and what to expect and prepare for. So the person walks off and he sits down knowing he's doing something to progress - after all he's arranged for this person to get back to him - it's a great excuse not to leave yet in his mind. Soon the time comes when he realizes the traveler isn't going to backtrack for him... so next he gets the briliant idea to train homing pigeons and then he'll just send one with the next traveler to send a note  back to him. So he spends weeks studying about pigeons. Then he gets a couple and breeds and studies them... he starts training them and finally he thinks he's ready so he sends off a few birds down the path.

But then he gets bored waiting for the birds to return so he decides maybe a drone would do the trick instead. He can stay at the top of the path and send the drone over for surveilance of the trail right? But he doesn't just go to amazon or radio shack and buy a drone - no. He has to go and research the best and most expensive drones dreaming of all of the bells and whistles they'll have and what he can do with them... and since none of them have all of the amazing tricks he's read about he then goes out and buys the individual parts to make his own drone. He's so busy with all of this that he doesn't even notice the homing pigeon has returned.. but it doesn't matter what notes it has anyway because he's moved on to a more preferrable method.

Months down the road when the drone is finished. He is so excited because now I'm out a mile and he wants to be with me but he's tired of me nagging him to just move his butt and follow the path and quit the damn addiction - but now he has this toy to play with and it's going to make it super easy to change and get down that path.  Only he finds he has no clue how to fly in a straight line or even get above the trees... so now more time wasted reading and watching videos about how to fly it. Once he gets the drone up in the air finally it then crashes it into a tree and he watches it fall out of the sky.

Now remember he could just go down the path and retrieve the downed drone... but that would mean all this scary change on that path forward and actually giving up the addiction! So damn the drone and all the hard work and the month's wasted... now he's just going to sit and pout and tell people how much he wants to walk down the path, but it's too hard and scary and look how he's tried all these things and failed at them all and can't someone just take pitty on him and pick him up and hold his hand and carry him down the path - because that is so much easier than doing the hard work on his own! 24 hour companionship and they cook all his meals and tell him where to put his foot next, and wipe his butt when he poops, and he never has to make another decision so he's never a failure and he can blame everyone else not believing in him and his dreams for his sucky addict attitude, and create a life where all of this chaos and wasted learning time and injustices done him hides the fact that he's still an active addict who is using chaos and smoke and mirrors and constant research that goes no where to keep people away from stripping this addiction out of his life.

He uses the quest to find the 'right' door the 'easy' door, the 'painless' door out of the addiction as a valid reason as to why he still has as yet to walk through any door - because of course he's too tired, or put out, or confused, or as the rest of us sane people can see - unwilling - to just walk through the pain and hot coals that are the real soul cleansing way out.

The addict runs him in circles to protect it's fragile existance. And he wonders why he doesn't have the energy to just stop once and for all.

It's getting really old watching this dance. Watching him do everything but just quit. Sitting here listening to him tell me how I'm not supportive of all these crazy schemes and smoke screens and that he resents me for it which drives him to act out. Listening to every reason in the book why he's not even on the path yet let alone improving. Watching him waste his time on all this other crap spinning his wheels when all he has to do is say 'I quit' and start walking down the path to freedom.


Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Check in questions

So I've pretty much confirmed that my husband is not only off the wagon but has fallen off the cliff as well. He's not sober, has no intention of becoming sober, is pulling out every whiny excuse in the book as to why he can't get sober begging for mercy and understanding in this great trial he's been given, and has spewed some of the stupidest crap imaginable during the few scathing conversations we have manage to have over the last month.

I might add that it had taken the better part of 2 weeks for me to calm down enough after that state visit to even function clearly with him anywhere in the near vicinity to me when I got a call from the local police deputy saying that he was also stopping by to investigate the case - that the state services had put to rest weeks before, this time for criminal allegations. This state pisses me off they waste so much money time and resources on heresay with no common sense or oversight allowing these people to make their own judgements based on the facts right in front of their noses. Either way my blood pressure can't catch a break. My children were again interrogated. Raging anger flared yet again. Another vacation week and holiday weekend shredded by the consequences of this addiction. I can't wait for this school year to be over so that I can get away from this hell hole. I no longer even care what my addict does for the 6+ weeks I plan to be gone. I'm almost praying the time away will give him just enough rope to hang himself with and he'll screw up to a point where I can justify leaving permanently.

When I was finally able to get my anger under control enough to have a conversation with him without exploding I got nothing back but the same addict drivel... it's not him, he hates it too, he deserves a break, why won't I just ignore all the crap he does and love him anyway, nothing is his fault, I'm only making things worse... It's exhausting.

He did ask for a concession. That even though the relationship is pretty much toast he wanted to spend 20-30 minutes per night checking in and having some kind of conversation. He feels my rejection is driving his issues deeper... not that the decade I spent holding his hand and constantly forgiving him made him act any differently.

So I agreed to try. Communication between us is currently relegated to "do you need me to pick up anything on the way home" and that only if I feel like answering his phone call after work. I agreed to open the lines of communication a bit.

Tonight he tried to ask me the same questions he asks his accountability partner. Yeah. That worked. Not. I don't have one specific issue or bad habit I'm trying to break away from and my whole life is hell with him as the main cause - and that conversation gets old quick, so that line of questioning went nowhere really. Didn't help that on his turn to answer he confessed to acting out this morning before the rest of us woke up which pretty much shut down the need to continue the conversation. Not only that but the questions are basically geared to having the same responses every single day. Not really helpful in my opinion unless you are an addict who has to keep it simple to even remember the basics.

So instead I did some research tonight and compiled a list of 12 touch-base check in questions that can be used at the end of each day to help with communication issues between partners and help to build back some of the relationship when life has torn you apart. They are listed here:
  • Is there any new information or issues I need to know about today?
  • What was the best/most interesting thing that happened to you today?
  • How were you kind today?
  • How were you brave today?
  • What was the worst part of your day? 
  • Is there anything burdening your heart?
  • How did you fail today?
  • What did you learn from it?
  • What is one thing you can improve on tomorrow? 
  • What are your goals for tomorrow?
  • Is there anything I can do to help you tomorrow?
  • What are you fighting for? 
So I guess we'll give this a shot. I hesitate to take on this nightly ritual because in so many ways it just feels like me holding his hand and dragging him through sobriety again. Sacrificing even more of my time for this damned addiction and his delays in recovery and need to have someone just fix it for him so he doesn't have to do the hard work of getting through the pain himself. It means more regular exposure to addiction stupid. He's the only one who can walk through that fire. He has to do it alone and willingly. He just won't accept that yet. 

Sunday, April 2, 2017

WTH

I had to take a breather before I could make this post. I've been experiencing a level of anger this past week that isn't healthy.

Thanks to a whole pile of stupid we had to endure a visit from the state on Friday. Considering my attitude about this hellhole I knew I wasn't going to handle the visit well and asked my husband to step up and run point on this one... for one time in this marriage I flat out asked him to be the leader and not expect me to pick up the pieces of his actions.

I spent days before with my stomach in knots and my blood pressure sky high. I did everything to clean the house, do the shopping, explain the situation to the kids, and get ready fully expecting that he would be home a half hour before to help and keep me from letting my anger and venom over the situation make things worse for us. I made a nice dinner expecting that this woman to be in and out. The kids were looking forward to a family movie after.

The asshole called me 5 minutes AFTER the woman was supposed to be here from a craft store 30 minutes away! I asked him where the hell he was and why he wasn't here for the visit and he told me he'd forgotten. I saw red! The minute I put the phone down the woman was at the door. So here's me trying to manage very severe emotions with no husband here and he was the one she needed to talk to anyway. He made me sit there entertaining her and being interrogated for an extra half an hour. It took him 45 minutes to get here because the bastard went and stood in line for whatever the hell it was he went to buy rather than rushing home.

Then after eating an hours cold dinner I needed a breather and took the kids and dog for a walk and when I got home he'd gone to bed leaving me to clean up dinner, comfort the kid's fears over the visit and get the house put away for the night.

Livid I confronted him the next morning asking what the hell happened and he had the nerve to tell me that it was my fault for not reminding him of the meeting that he had nothing to apologize for because he wasn't going to apologize for something he didn't remember! I stood there absolutely dumbfounded at the shit pouring out of his addict brained mouth. And he believed every word of it. Worse today he's playing like nothing ever happened and that we'll all just go back to normal.

Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I should hold his poor widdle handsies and remind him with a pat on the head of appointments with such serious consequences - that he freaking set up himself.

It was my fault for letting him have rare alone with the kids for even two hours to do  the laundry because obviously he can't handle them without exploding and causing this mess.

It was my fault for having any expectation whatsoever that he be a man and take the lead in protecting his family even once when it was beyond my ability to be appropriately civil. He obviously can't handle that responsiblity.

It's my fault for even being here of course... I should have left in August after all. Would have avoided this whole situation.

It's all my god-damned fault don't you know. I'm not even allowed an apology for having to deal with the extra time we had to sit her waiting.

I've decided that the progress we were seeing in December was a fluke. The man is happily sinking further and further into this addiction. He couldn't attend therapy in January because of money - but in three months he's made zero effort to get it set back up. He went from 4 meetings to 1 and the one he's in has become comfortable - there is no push to change... just show up and hand with friends.

He's reading/viewing porn almost nightly with almost no effort to control it... I've even been exposed 4 times over the last 5 weeks which is unacceptable, and he's even lied to me and objectified me as well.  His selfish addict brain is taking over everything to a level he can't even admit he is wrong. Sure he's made it since last august without the whores... but he keeps this up and it won't be long till he falls down again. I can see it all in him from the distance I've maintained and it's pissing me off.

This 'man' has done some pretty rotten things to me over the years... but him bringing this issue into my home topped with his entitled addict shit response - I will never forgive this.

In the past 6 months I've begged him just to make this easy and let us move on. That if we continued together that he was only going to destroy what little was left of my good will. I think we are there. I can't wait to be out of here in June. One more slipup right now and it will be permanent.