Thursday, November 24, 2016

Blow up

So this week has been hell. Big surprise right? No wonder my attitude toward everything in my life is in the toilet.

It started with my husband - or rather addict - exploding at me first thing on Tuesday morning. It was out of the blue and totally uncalled for. I had just gotten up with only 3 hours of sleep under my belt to make sure that all the stuff that needed to be wrapped up before the holiday got started on when he told me he wanted to talk to me.

Proceed the next 5 minutes of verbal vomit and rage in front of my kids at 7am. Now he doesn't do this kind of thing often or I would have left years ago... not saying I still won't... but the stupidity I listened to him spew while trying to get him to shut up or tone it down because of the kids' proximity pissed me off royally.

Now I can take being yelled at like that... but his stupidity of doing that with the kids around was insanely inappropriate and that alone has pushed me so far away from him that I'm not sure there is any going back. I understand that sober or not he's not dealing with emotions well and that as he finds more sobriety and strength to deal with all of that crap inside of him I can expect more of the same - but this is not going to fly with me. My need to lash out at him was only restrained by the fact that the kids were yards away at the time and they were getting enough hate vibes from him.

Then the bastard left for work leaving me to deal with the kids' fears of watching their mother raged at and trying to explain to them what is going on with their sorry excuse for a father without actually telling them what is going on. Later I got some half-assed explanation of his actions via text on his way to work - not real apology, nothing but rugsweeping when he got home and now 3 days later he's acting like nothing happened, all is hunky dory and that he can la de da go on with his life just as if he's peachy. The story of his entire life. He has no clue the path of destruction he leaves in his wake because he chooses to be oblivious.

Yeah. That is pissing me off more. I refuse to propagate that illusion of everything is ok. I seriously debated packing up the kids and heading 700 miles home for the weekend to spend the holiday with sane people away from this stupidity. I was so close to leaving him for the week to figure out his shit. The only thing again keeping me here is that we're making that same drive in 3 weeks and I couldn't leave the dog. The idiot has no idea I'm not here for him. Once the dog passes away and the kids finish this year of school if he can't screw his act together were out.

Now that that is out of the way... lets cover the gist of the blowup. The man is beyond pissed that he 'doesn't have a safe place to journal' because 'I took that from him' because I was prompted by god two months ago to track down and read his journal and find out why he hadn't appeared to be following his programs for months. That's when I read that he admitted to having sex with another prostititue back in August less than 2 weeks following my telling him I'd decided to stay and let the kids start school here - but that he'd come within only the grace of god of us still being here. He never told me when it happened and then promptly and conveniently wiped that action from his memory within days. I found out 5 weeks later in the journal which pretty much destroyed anything that may have been left of our anniversary. Every time I'm promted to read his journals I find another round of infidelity. The man can't tell the truth to save his ass from hell.

Instead he decided to call me a liar and a thief and influenced by satan... repeatedly. The only reason he wasn't in my face was because there was a load of laundry on the floor between us. He continued to escalate even though I said it wasn't the time or place and to back off or tone it down because of the kids. I finally walked away to get it to stop and he continued yelling at the back of my head.

I can't even begin to list the dysfunction in that conversation.

First of all I have every right to read his journals per the therapist and all of the recovery books and programs out there. He can't figure out how to keep me safe and tell the truth then I have to get it somewhere. I don't read it all the time only when I'm prompted to do so. That is my protection. He's more than welcome to read any of mine.. but in 15 years he's never once asked even though they are all readily accessible. He'll also be more than welcome to read this one too - but right now he can't and won't handle what's in it.

Second. He has every right to be an adult and password protect his computer and phone and everything else. But he's an addict and as an addict he looses that right in place of full transparency. It's part of the recovery. He knows it. It's also one of the stipulations of me staying here.

Third - and this is the kicker. He's already proven that he has no problem having sex with prostitutes and then coming home to me. So I'll happily back off of asking him questions, demanding radical honesty or reading his journals... but any kind of intimacy in our relationship is over and dead because he will never again have my trust as he's proven himself repeatedly that he doesn't give a damn about me or my feelings or health and will continue down that path indefinitely. Since he's done nothing to restore trust he gets none.

Fourth - The whole conversation was basically 'you made me do it'. You have made me yell at you because you are the one making it so that I have no outlet. You have taken away my safe place (hello 3 men's groups, therapist, and sponsors) He's yet again blaming me (and anyone/thing else) for all his anger, rage, acting out etc... because hell I have no rights in this partnership to be protected or protect myself. I make a great target because I stand between him and the addiction... now he's twisted it and is telling me I stand between him and recovery. Brilliant. I can't be in two places at once.

Fifth - he tells me that the rage he's feeling and his acting out is due to resenting me. Good for you addict putting words to your feelings. I'm actually glad you can name them and get them communicatied...that's a good step... but lets talk about resentment. Resentment is realizing that you are dealing with a broken and irrational human being raging at you at 7am about stupid addict crap while I have a whole laundry list of things to get done and scaring your kids then leaving and letting me clean up the mess. Resentment is you pretending immediately that nothing is wrong and life can just go on sans apology or an effort to make it better. Resentment is living a nightmare of a life with no understanding or comiseration for where he has landed us as 'husband and provider'. Resentment is 10 years of dealing with dysfunctional behaviors, apathy, infidelity and a man who for years was a hindrance not a help. Resentment is having the man you promised to love honor and cherish parade women into your home and your bed while your precious children are in the next room. Resentment is having every holiday and good event in your life destroyed by addiction. Resentment is being lied to repeatedly for over a decade including the con that is this marriage. Had I only known before how bad things were there would have never been a 'yes' or a ring. And don't even get me started on the financial aspect.

Sixth - oh and then the clincher... he gives me permision to read what he's written that morning after yelling resentments at me for the same act. Yeah right... like I need to read more vitriol directed at myself after all of that. Maybe I would care more if we hadn't been separated now for going on 4 years and the emotional attachment at an all time low. I haven't read it. But it points to an even bigger issue. He's still not willing to just simply tell me the truth. If he'd just pull his head out and get that the 24 hour confession rule is there to build trust in the relationship and not some punishment for his bad behavior maybe he'd finally get it. I don't give a damn about the journals. I give a damn about the information that I'm not getting from him to keep the kids and me safe. Period. The level of insanity that I witnessed when he told me that is still boggling my mind. Besides that I already know he paid another $20 sunday night for the prostitute video site and I got that from the bank account not the journal - no disputing that is there. Idiot.

I am writing this now. I know that for him to heal he has to get all of his supressed anger and pain out. I know he has to learn to deal appropriately with all of his feelings. But if he's going to continue to make me and the kids targets of that stupidity I'm out now. Not one of us has done anything to him to deserve the rage and conflict and debate that was directed at us this week. I'm sick of him stuffing his feelings, but if I'm going to have to deal with irrational stupid addict exploding like that again were done.

Another holiday ruined. Surprise.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

You throw like a girl

So this morning launched off well.

The kids were watching a comedy sketch on TV that mentioned 'bronies" men who like My Little Pony. My husband started teasing my son about how he was a bronie because he liked to watch that cartoon. My son was immediately offended at the insinuation (even though it's true) and defended himself by distancing himself from the girly world, degrading the show and also his sister who watches it.

This is one of my major pet peeves.

Why is it that the greatest insult you can give a man is to call him a girl? Why? These macho men go around and puff out their chests and throw out insults about 'running like a girl' 'throwing like a girl' 'dressing like a girl' 'crying like a girl'.  What kind of message does that send exactly? How far is the jump from 'being like a girl' just a teasing insult to creating the ingrained belief that girls aren't worth anything because they are weak and emotional and watch stupid things and don't know how to do 'real' things. Miniscule at best.

And no one thinks about the girls within earshot of those statements. What does that do to their self esteem and sense of being? When you constantly hear that being what you are is the biggest insult out there.

You never hear girls defaming other girls by calling them out on watching monster trucks, or being sporty, or participating and liking things typically reserved for mens interest. We think they are brave, cool, hard working, blazing trails, bending the gender gap. There is no gender bias for a woman participating in a 'mans world'... at least from the female perspective.

Men on the other hand... many men still take offense at female competition. We see it over and over how is their masculinity destroyed when a woman is better than them in 'their world'. It's because their whole lives they've been taught that acting like a girl and being a girl is bad and all because girls are by default silly, stupid, uncoordinated and obviously worth little. What must men think if they rank below a woman in competition because they just lost to a girl -- what does that make them then?

This is a huge driver of the obstacles women face every day just trying to live their life and find success doing something they enjoy.

And look at all the other insults used out there. Men aren't just called out for their feminine qualities they are called 'pussies' or 'mamma's boys'... look at what they call women. Insults like 'cunt', 'whore' and 'bitch' are thrown at women every day. Women aren't even allowed to be insulted just by being what they are - they are furthur degraded by being called dirty body parts or worse a animals... they are degraded to a level that isn't even human.

We already know well how those insults affect women and take away their self worth on a community level starting from the time they can even talk and walk, the question is how many times does a boy have to hear these insults of being called a girl before he starts to really believe that girl's aren't worth much? How far is that leap then to turning them into nothing but objects? Something to be used and discarded as having little value.

My husband countered this morning with "well you are being silly men know women are of value... trust me they want women around'. I'm sure they do. Women offer them stuff... like their mother's continued nurturing and their girlfriends playful advances and teasing. Sex. Money. Status. But any woman beyond that man's immediate circle of honor and protection (who funny enough have to be given back or often times have to earn back some of their value to be worthy of  said 'manly' protection but that's for another post) is still viewed as 'less than'.  Weak, silly, and only worth what they can give them. When women have an emotional outburst they aren't being human they are being 'silly little emotional girls' and they and their feelings as well as their point of view are simply dismissed.  No wonder women out their believe men don't listen to them or care about their feelings. They are constantly downplayed as being ridiculous.

See it's comments like my husband's this morning that are driving this issue in the first place. He proved this morning by dismissing the issue that it's ok to minimize the use of girly things as insults to other men. It's ok to believe once again that because I'm just a silly girl saying silly emotional things on the subject and I 'don't understand' the real use of girly insults by men...  that it doesn't have as much impact as I'm saying it really does.

To him of course it's just 'manly teasing' and men supposedly know the difference. Sure... maybe men might know the difference. Mentally mature might know it's good natured teasing, just a joke. They might be able to brush it off and move on... but not one thought is given to the women and girls within earshot of the comment and how they would take it. It also wasn't good natured teasing to my son who took serious offense at having his likes and interests being insulted as not 'manly' enough and in turn insulted his sister for her likes.

Not one thought was given to how demeaning it is to have what you are and what you can't change about yourself turned into the worst thing you can ever be in men's eyes. No wonder woman's main drive is to find acceptance from men even going beyond the limits of propriety. Their whole lives they are taught that they will never be enough so they have to always do more. In their quest for acceptance and to take back some of their worth they offer men far more than they should.

You take that mentality far enough and women become nothing but discardable playthings willing to do anything for a little validation.  They become entertainment objects that have no real feelings because they have no real value in men's eyes or their own. There is no shame in dishonoroing women because they are just silly, fragile, weak and emotional and they don't matter in the 'real world of men'.

The objectification and degredation of womanhood has to stop, and as part of that we need to stop just accepting it when our men and boys use terms that compare their actions to those of a 'little girl'. It is unacceptable, opressing, degrading to women and girls, and the mindset they are creating starting with even the youngest of children is damaging everyone in this society on the most basic of levels.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Not broken, just bent?

I don't think I ever imagined when I was a little girl that at 40+ I would be sitting in a tiny apartment in a crappy neighborhood barrio 700 miles from anything I know as normal living in a perpetual nightmare with to a man who has a serious sex and lust addiction having a calm - almost normal conversation about his multiple sex partners over the previous decade.

How can anything ever be normal in life again when you are so disassociated from a serious life changing problem like this that you can talk rationally and calmly about how many dozens of whores your husband paraded through your home and bedroom.

My line of questioning tonight was started by me trying to get our ex neighbors' looks at me out of my head. I know that man knew about the prostitutes. He was always outside smoking or puttering around he had to have noticed these women coming and going. Any time I was outside he would stare at me and give me this look of disbelief, pity and conflict. I can still see his face clearly after 3 years away because it was such an odd look from someone I never even spoke to in 9 years. It's been haunting me the last few weeks and I just wanted to know how bad it really was.

When I first brought it up my husband said that he didn't think he knew anything... but after taking a minute to think it over I think it reached his brain that many other people know what he is and what he's done. It affected him a little. Can I dare say that something is now able to break through that wall he has up?

My main comment was that this year alone he has admitted to 7 massages including two sexual encounters. It seems to me that he's escalating from the 4-5 a year I was aware of previously. He countered with the fact that he's actually doing better this year - that I just didn't know the level of the problem in previous years was as bad as it was. As he fleshed the whole picture out I could see that maybe he is improving a bit. I don't know whether it is shocking, eye opening, vomit inducing, or so completely outside of reality that I am just not grasping it. He was so open tonight with my questions which yet again makes me wonder why he didn't just give me this info before.Why is the severity just coming out now?

It's conversations like tonight that really make me wonder how a man can have such a dual personality and still be functional. And he is functional. He works, attends church, usually has a calm and happy demeanor, teaches the kids, talks to me. You can't help but note that he's a decent person but he has done such demented and sickening things that there is no way to reconcile it all. I know I'm not explaining well.

We go though this process of numbing and normalizing our life and circumstances just so we can cope with another day, another revelation, another WTF moment without falling apart completely... but that act warps everything around us into some melted version of life.

In the end you just sit there staring at a wall and wondering - how can I love a man who's done all of this and more. How will life every be normal again. Will anything ever change? Will any of his promises come true? Or are we just stuck in the perpetual merry go round of acceptance and rug sweeping?

The below song came on the radio a few weeks ago as we were driving. It touched both of us as we listened to it. I got a silent apology when he took my hand.

Right from the start you were a thief, you stole my heart,
And I your willing victim.
I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty,
And with every touch you fixed them.

Now you've been talking in your sleep
Things you never say to me
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love.

I'm sorry I don't understand where all of this is coming from.
I thought that we were fine (oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again, my dear we still have everythin',
And it's all in your mind (yeah, but this is happenin')

You've been havin' real bad dreams,
You used to lie so close to me,
There's nothing more than empty sheets,
Between our love...

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough,
Just a second, we're not broken just bent,
And we can learn to love again.
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts,
That we're not broken just bent,
And we can learn to love again.

-Pink, Just Give Me A Reason