Sunday, March 19, 2017

Fragile

This past week can go to hell.

This week has been one long string of anger inducing crap that has left me at the point of tears. I hate the life I'm living right now. I hate this place, I hate the politics, and I hate the idiots who run it.

I didn't even make it half way through my birthday Monday before hell came crashing down. My son who's drama and unwitting trust ended with the cops showing up on my doorstep last year plunged his way right into more crap. The damned institution they call 'school' here in this state is showing it's ass as the modern day version of Hitler's youth brainwashing troops. That these idiots believe that it's ok to isolate these young kids under the pretext of a 'friendly conversation' so that they can earn trust and delve into areas beyond their jurisdiction has officially pissed me off. They are supposed to be there to educate my kids, not micromanage every aspect of their lives... and that they find it ok to directly undermine the parent's rights has me livid still a week later.

I shouldn't have to tell my kids at 8 years old about adult manipulation and that you can only trust teachers for school things and that if they are ever put in a room alone with any adult they have every right to not answer any questions until their parent is present.  I have no doubt that if this crap continues (and somehow I just know it will) that I'm going to have to homeschool the kids. This nanny state of fearmongering assholes and overlegislated stupid deserves to fall into the ocean.

Next I find out that practically my only friend in this place is moving next week. I thought I had more time... and now she's going - and I'm still stuck here. She's the only person I've ever told most of my story too... and now she's going away.

Tuesday another woman I work with who lives off of energy drinks tried to drag me into her melodrama and add more weight to my already overloaded schedule. She got a firm No.

Wed. I got a little done, but am so worried about CPS showing up that I tank most of what needs doing. Then the next door neighbor comes over and sits on my couch for an hour (she's never done this in 3 years) and tells me all about her awful life and her estranged daughter coming out as transgender and how her life is falling apart and why doesnt' this 21 year old she hasn't seen in 15 years just take her offer of college and a place to live. She just wanted sympathy not support - but I'm so drained I've got nothing left.

Thursday ended with me pissed at my husband again. I can't get anywhere with him. He's not forthcoming with answers, is refusing to even keep track of sobriety, has stopped going to most of his weekly meetings, and is checking out when he's home regularly.

Friday I had a rare client meeting - highlighting the fact that I really don't want to do web design any more. This isn't how I envisioned this job going. Then that just spirals into depression of not having enough money, crap credit, all the debt, our housing situation, no retirement prep, and a long long list of things I wan't to do and can't.

Saturday morning went ok, but we met friends for lunch, and thing just weren't in sync for a good time with them. I felt bad when we parted ways for the day earlier than planned. That night the weight of the week just came crashing down on me. I'm so sick and depressed. My husband offered to hold me for a while - but I can't even do that without my brain cracking. I don't want him touching me. His comments over the last couple of weeks still sting not to mention all the porn he's had the audacity to read in the evenings with me sitting just across from him in the same room. Right now he's the problem not the cure, and that fact alone is festering and making everything 100x worse.

Today I have either been crying or close to tears all day. The world is crashing down and changing again and my sense of justice is going haywire and igniting the hate and anger I haven't yet found a way to get out of my system. Things are so messed up right now.


Monday, March 13, 2017

It's that time again

It's so very true that no matter how bad your life was today, or this week, or this year - that the sun always comes up tomorrow. One day older, one day wiser, and one day more fed up with this addiction.

After so many years of my husband ruining my birthdays I vowed that this year would be different. I would protect myself from whatever he could do to wreck this year too and add it to the long string of instances he's drug his crap covered addiction through the halls in my life I just cleaned up for the party.

As such I decided that even if he had 7 days of sobriety (the current boundary) that this weekend I'd still be sleeping elsewhere. No worries there... by Friday he had less than 36 hours. No brainer - I was on my own for the weekend. Saturday night though he practically begged me to join him in his bed. I was exhausted and both the couch and my mattress were covered in junk, so I said only if he wasn't able to stay sober without me there, and only if he could promise that sleeping was as far as it would go. He made another empty promise.

I didn't sleep well (hello having my own bed now for 8 months just in this stint alone) and I had to fight him off this morning. I knew he couldn't do it. He took the rejection better than he could have... but he's still so all about him. He kept saying he was ok, not to worry about it, he was good - until I said "yes but I'm not ok". It was like a freaking lightbulb went off in his head. He's so back on the 'all the porn women just love this kind of stuff... I love giving you pleasure... so obviously you're going to want this too schtick!'

Um, no.

He may have made it 6.5 months without the massages + (that I know of)  but he's binging on porn more now than ever. The secrecy browser is all he ever uses any more and he's not even trying to hide it. Last week I had to use his PC to test some things I was working on and bingo, I open it up and it's all right there in all it's glory.

Tonight was the same old repeat of the same old crap. He has a good day at church, he's humbled by the sermon, he comes home and talks to him mom who asks him as she always does "how's your stuff going" and she gets the same response as always "not yet, I'm working on it"... then later on I take some paperwork over to a chair next to him after about an hour of being in another room and he's doing the whole click and shut down windows thing. Yeah... not suspicious at all.

The internet filter kicked him off at midnight so he just shut the lid and headed to bed asking me on his way out if I was going to join him. I asked him if he was sober and he said, "right now yes." I checked the computer after he left the room - full on porn stories right there.  I wonder if the man can even see the lies any more?

So he is not only pushing me to relax the boundaries that are keeping me sane and safe, he can't even keep track of how many days he has sober, half the time has stopped keeping track because according to him "you keep track of that stuff I don't", and then claims to my face to be totally sober after reading porn for at least an hour previous?!?? How will I ever even be able to consider trusting him again.

I'm not sure that I'm ever going to go back to his room again at this rate, I have almost no desire to be there with a man who is so dishonest and who has so much filth rattling around in his head. Not only that but he keeps pouring it in. So incredibly off putting and un-attractive. The more distance I have the more stark the problem seems. In addition a few weeks ago I made an actual effort to be intimate just for him... and days later he shot every ounce of good will I had toward him in that moment out the door. Every single time I have initiated it has bitten me in the butt. That won't be happening again.

The stupid thing is that with all that said he still continues to improve just enough to make me hope I don't have to destroy this family. He's more pleasant to be around, he participating in the family and in life more, he's being more considerate of other's feelings... he's not a bad guy minus the crap he's into.

I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't just be more beneficial to make the in home separation permanent. - as in the next decade permanent. Find a house with 4 bedrooms and just plan on living in a partnership with little intimacy and no sex life until the kids are grown and gone. They get two mostly functional parents in their lives, I don't have to figure out how to trust him ever again or put my mental or physical health on the line by being physical with him while he twists lies to get what he wants - and I can enjoy the benefits that come from a two income family with shared chores and responsibilities rather than life as a single mother, and he gets the leeway to go out and screw whatever whores he wants as long as he can keep his fantasy life and his home life separate. Win win all the way around right?

In all of this who I really feel sorry for the most is my kids. They are young now and self absorbed. They only see the fun stuff... but soon they are going to wonder why I am always sleeping elsewhere, why their parents never hold hands or kiss, why their mom is so depressed all the time, and why their dad is emotionally unavailable.

Another year down. 4 years from D-day, 6 years from initial melt down, and no closer to the end.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Chances

I entered into an interesting discussion today about what obligations a woman has to stay married to any man not pulling his weight in a marriage. It's skewed specifically to the religious belief that marriage is a contract between two people that has been witnessed and sealed by a higher power... and therefore has moral and long lasting soul damaging consequences attached to breaking it.

The truth of the matter is that once a spouse has committed adultry, or been abusive, or broken (one may argue even bent) one of the many agreements entered into in the marriage contract that the contract is and forever will be broken. The other party is absolved of any lasting consequences from walking away from the marriage because they honored it until the point it was broken. The innocent party is now off the hook for any terms listed.

It's now up to the offended party to decide how long they will continue living and abiding by the terms of the contract to see if the partnership and errors can be fixed.

As women we have a tendency to have this long term view of life and we can see farther down the path than the men can, especially if they are messed up and not only making stupid choices, but living with the shame and guilt that comes from that. No addict has ever played the long game.

And so we give chance after chance after chance even if it isn't logical or good for us or those around us. And we don't hold ourselves to the same standards or give ourselves the same advice we may give a friend or family member who came to us and told us they are experiencing the same horror story we are living.  We would say "get out", "you are worth more than that", "get legal help", "you don't have to put up with that crap"...

I'm not really sure where the line is drawn. Do you just say "sorry letter of the law I'm out?", or do you put yourself in a spot of seemingly eternal self-sacrifice where you just figure this is your lot in life? Do you show any mercy for the mentally unwell spouse or do you build the fortress around you for protection and mercy be damned?

Every one and every circumstance is different. I cringe when I hear of husbands doing and saying everything they can to manipulate their wives into having sex. Its the whining, or passive agressive statements, or bullying, or even bringing the supposed law into it... no caring for their feelings or their needs or their physical inability to even do that act when not feeling safe - only the release for the men. Zero consideration for love or caring or respect. It's disgusting and I can't imagine what it would be to live like that every single day.

I am astounded at the lengths men will go to make things not about them or even not so bad. Deflection, reversing victim and offender, manipulation through anger and agression in defending their position, verbal and physical threats, removing the guild of religious affiliations, removing the guilt of family and friendships. Anything but admitting they have a serious problem that is destroying their life and the lives of those around them... not to mention society as a whole.

Addiction is a complete and consuming delusion.

I remember D day, coming up on 4 years ago. The feeling of release from my marriage vows that opened that door for me to walk away. Since then there has been so little change. There have been dozens more encounters, lying, stealing, manipulation. I've stayed because I see a small flicker of change in his desire to be good and because we function decently as roomates raising kids and I have nothing better to walk out too - but I'm not deluding myself any longer that this is even a viable marriage as it stands.

My husbands STD testing last week came back clear. I'd be stupid to say I wasn't glad for that - but I'm also pissed. This man has had no serious physical and non-fixable consequences for his actions ever. He did juvy he got worse, he did prison he got worse, he did therapy he got worse, he destroyed his marriage and the bastard still got worse.

He still hasn't managed to get 7 days of sobriety in a row since christmas so even with the testing I haven't moved back to the room - and I have no plans to until he can make it at least 30 days consistently and no more prostitutes. If that happens it's another 3-6 months again. I'm not bouncing around any more no matter how uncomfortable this mattress I have now is. The new arrangement is we are still nothing more than roomates. If he can make 7 day's sobriety by the weekend I'll sleep in the bed with him (which obviously comes with benefits at least in his mind) but during the week I sleep in my own space, so that the kids aren't so confused by my coming and going and know where I'm going to be when they wake up. This arrangement has put all of the fixing on his shoulders. If he's not sober by the weekend, it's not even a hard decision as to where I'll be spending it. It also is keeping me safe from his lies. I don't end up being put in a health compromising position again like last July and so many times before that because of his lies. The buffer is helping.

And so 2017 gets off to a rocky but protected start.