Monday, January 8, 2018

What kind of example?

The Golden Globes were last night. Sometime last week all of the A and B list actresses decided as a show of solidarity for the #metoo movement that they would all wear black dresses to the ceremony. Does anyone else find it ironic or is it just me that while the dresses were mostly black last night - they still made every effort to show as much of their bodies as possible without the censor with the blur tool having to step in? I mean what the hell?

Go ahead a promote respect for women while wearing a see through shift that shows all but the three main buttons (and one of those isn't the belly button). You think for some reason perverts can't see the color black? that you're completely camouflaged from their lust?!? That as long as you wear black to support a cause that you're not helping loose it just as fast?

The irony of the stupid that is Hollywood... and yet they are the examples to the rest of our poor messed up country.

Another news headline popped up today, another woman, this time married to a disgraced cop who solicited a '14-year old' undercover agent for sex. He'd been married less than a year. Was it his first time? Or just the first time he got caught...

Unlike so many of the stories I've recorded on this blog where the 'good wife' stands next to her scheming steaming pile of crap husband trying to mask his smell this woman didn't and what her words said are so true for so many women out there:

“They say God will never give you more than you can handle, but he did this time. I have never hurt so bad in all my life. I don’t know how to pick up all these broken pieces and find a way to put them back together and go on with my life, but I have to try to find a way for my children. Our lives have been completely shattered. I am broken, devastated, humiliated, and I was completely blindsided. He was the first man ever in my life who never made me question, never gave me a gut feeling, never a bad instinct or sign and we were even in the process of planning to extend our family. This is not who we knew. We knew a loving, caring father and husband and we are grieving the loss of that man. On the other hand, we are dealing with the raw emotions of having someone you loved and admired be charged with committing a terrible crime. I feel like they are two different people — but they are not. ” - D. Diebold
These are the men that are out there. Thousands who haven't been caught yet and millions more waiting to join their ranks as they are programmed daily with porn, lust messages, and yes pretty, powerful, and popular women who wear little to nothing on national TV for the whole world to see claiming that really they are making it better.

It's all one big joke.

That said, 20 years ago, 10 years ago this cop child molester would have gotten off scot free. He was well known, popular, in a position of authority and liked by a lot of people - and yet now he's an example. His whole life is destroyed over this addiction.

Ask him if it was worth it.

It's what this brave woman is doing... letting her voice be heard in all it's painful glory that is needed to stop this affliction... not the color or style of the dresses worn by our American royalty in Hollywood.  Both of these stories today will be old news in a week. The next awards show the women will all be back in their bright colors and shiny diamonds... but those of us on the front of this battle - the victims of lustful men - will still be here in every growing numbers.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

The 400th post

I can't even begin to believe that this is the 400th post in this blog.

I remember the day I agreed to marry my partner. I have a lot of regrets about that day. Have you ever looked back on your life and found those crucial decision points where if you could just go back to one moment in time and change it the entire path of your life would be different? That day was one of those days - and it wasn't just about me saying yes.

Four years later I started this blog. Life was going downhill fast. I had no idea what was wrong or could have even guessed at the extent of the problem, but I knew it was bigger than me. I knew I couldn't get away from the consequences of my choices at that point. I knew I needed help - I just had no idea where to get it.

The night I agreed to marry my partner I honestly believed his promises. That he was going to get better. That he was going to kick this thing. That he had it under control. That a year from that point he would be clean and back on track and we'd move forward into the future that I had always pictured for us. One by one, slowly over the years each and every one of my expectations that night were shattered. My first posts clear back in 2009 were still so full of hope. I honestly believed that this blog would be a record of a journey of recovery, connection, joy, success... nine and a half years later all it shows is the slow death of a marriage due to lust, lies, stupidity and a never ending laundry list of la la land folly.

I'm still here. I'm still learning. I'm still angry at the evil and lies in this world that can so easily destroy the light.

I'm not sure where the next hundred posts will take this blog. Nothing in the future is clear any more.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

New Years Goals

I was out driving in the middle of the desert nowhere last night watching the moon and stars and something about broken love came up on the radio. It is always triggring. I flashed to a recent conversation with a therapist when he asked me “how haven’t you killed him yet”. While the reasons are numerous and complicated and generally ended with – well I love him - I can honestly say that the reasons change almost too regularly to keep track of them all and last night I had a huge break through.

I started to think about this whole mess and I thought what would I say if my therapist (or anyone) asked me right now if I loved my husband. He’s smart enough never to ask such a loaded question of course especially with my partner present, but that question does need to be answered.

Last night I realized out there in the middle of nowhere that the answer was no, I don’t love him. I mean, I have something like feelings for him… I have to to have stayed through all of this abuse… but even knowing that in marriage love inevitabely changes and matures over time from enfatution to a more solid understanding and connection -- this change I’m feeling isn’t to that more pure and understanding love… it’s to something not even close to what should be there after this long in the marriage.

I mean in marriage even when love has changed to a more enduring feeling beyond lust and puppy love… that higher kind of loving someone through everything still means joy, happiness, peace, comfort, respect, trust, consideration of the other person’s feelings and a pure dedication to the relationship. I have none of that from him. I feel none of that toward him and after the last blow to the gut I took I’m not sure that is ever going to change. I am literally in what the ‘fairy tales’ call a loveless marriage. The adage is true… porn kills love and it does it over and over and over again killing every spark until there is nothing but apathy and darkness and a void in a relationship where real feelings should be.

I also had time during this long drive with him in the car today to address our goals and needs for the coming year. I reiterated again that our kids need separate rooms soon if not now. That our finances and budget are impossible with the current income, but that it is stupid for me to take on a full time job if he doesn’t even know what he wants out of life here.

He then talked in circles for half an hour about how everything he wants to do with his life just turns itself around in a circle of impossibility for him so he has no clue where to jump in or start… and I’m sitting here like … dude if you’re stuck in a dead end maze why do you keep running around it looking for something to miraculously break through for you instead of leaving the maze and picking a different path?!? It’s mind blowing.

So since emotionally detaching not 24 hours before with this no love realization thing… I sat there and listened this time silently as he spun his tales of his goals for the year. He wants to fly every month this next year but we don’t have the money so I told him if he wants to he has to earn it with a separate job but then according to him that isn’t fair because he can’t make enough at the separate job ha wants to do to ever fly… AND he can’t fly anyway because he doen’t have an expensive medical certificate and he can’t get that because he’s depressed and he’s depressed because he won’t take medication that will help him get rid of the addiction or the depression because then according to his reckoning he can’t fly anyway. Get it? So he also doesn’t like his job any more (which is the only place he really can make arrangements to fly coincidentally) and he needs to find something else he really wants to do instead… but that takes savings or a financial backer to get started not to mention a head for business which he doesn’t possess… but hey, he’s going to have that in place in the next 8 months for sure this time! And don’t forget that in order for that pipe dream to work he has to get a new FAA certification which requires flight hours which he doesn’t have and can’t get because he won’t take the medication to get out of the depression and stop his addiction so he can attempt to get the medical cerrificate and find all this money to fly monthly. Exhausted yet? I was.

Of course he could also just go get a job at a company he really admires… but then you go through the felony, and the depression, and the lack of credit, and old certifications and no degree, and and and….

He actually admitted he has no idea what he wants to do, how to accomplish it and that he would rather not have to even deal with issues like being responsible to take care of his families needs, dismissing a good portion of the problems I brought up as ridiculous.

He also showed me a card with 4 goals on it for the coming year. 3 were pipe dreams one costs more money than we will ever see in our lifetime, and none of them included kicking this addiction.

So there you go 2018. Circles, indecision, depression, apathy, laziness, fear, no love, no trust, no security, no forward progress. Its going to be a kick ass year… my ass btw.