Saturday, September 16, 2017

Battle Journal

To deal with the lack of communication about addiction and behaviors in a marriage our therapist recommends that the man keep a Battle Journal... a record of all of the battles he wins as well as looses every day and what he did to stop the attack, or what he learned about himself from the attack and measures to do better the next time.

The point of this exercise is to help 'blackout addicts' quantify their addictive behaviors, learn from their mistakes, celebrate their successes - and to get their views and feelings out there so that their partner can be in the loop and see the progress being made. Yes, he believes the partner should be able to read this log so that they can work on rebuiding trust in their addict partner, as well as celebrate their wins with them.

So lets go back to August 2016. My partner knows I read his writings, have for years, and has always told me I can read whatever I want, and the therapist recommends it be available to me, and hell... it's my life too you know? So last august he leaves this journal out and I read it and find out that A. he's slept with another prostitute and not told me about it only weeks after confessing from the last one and narrowly loosing his family for good, and B. Came home and slept with me right after completely and blatantly breaking every boundary I set about him doing just that and bringing home an STD and affecting my health - and he's known my feelings on that for YEARS. Yes I was understandably pissed. Yes that was the exact moment that my love for him flickered and went out. I had told him I was done for months... I even packed and got ready to walk out for good and was stopped at the last minute... and then that. Game over.

Two days later he loudly verbally attacked me with the kids in the other room about how I had robbed him of his only safe outlet, how he was suddenly the victim. The man lied to my face, broke a serious boundary, had no intention of telling me anything about it and then got pissed at me for finding out and giving him consequences he didn't like. Poor picked on addict. That was the last straw for me too (compounded by continued acting out, the cps issues, and overall stupidity)

Now back to this last week... I asked him about this battle journal and if he'd been writing in it as the therapist had suggested and he told me flat out no and again got angry at me and blamed me as his reason for not writing in it because heaven forbid he write something that gets him in trouble again... oh I don't know, like having sex with another prostitute and compromising my health by not giving a shit about me or my feelings on the matter?!? The man has been using me as a convenient excuse not to work on therapy or healing any more for months... cause you know I'm the big bad person who forces him to cheat on me and locks him in a tiny room at home so he can't take care of what the therapist suggests so he can make himself and us well again. It's all a conspiracy to destroy his life and take away his pacifier... and I'm driving it.

This blog my friends... this is my battle journal. There are so many more failures than successes in here. I keep picking myself up only to get smashed down over and over. Right now he's not strong enough to read this yet - but one day I will give him the link. Divorced or healed he will read of my trials with him and he will be convicted for his actions. Nobody should have to live this way.

In your dreams

You know it's interesting. No matter how far you move away from someone, you still can't move away from them in your dreams. In the daylight hours you can control your thoughts and actions, you can talk yourself down from just about any situation, you can even create a reality of ok-ness that is believable for yourself... but you can't hide from the circumstances of your life while you sleep. The little dream projector in your head has it's own agenda and control center.

In discussions with therapy friends this week so many of us are suffering from lonliness. It's amazing how this addiction - between us taking steps back and setting boundaries to keep us safe emotionally and physically and then also being rejected by our partners for some fantasy world they prefer to live in - can create such isolation and aloneness. We try to stay stoic and hold it together for our kids and our families... but in the end, when the sun goes down and the lights go out the isolation is unavoidable.

5 years ago yesterday my husband packed his car, left our home with me and my two toddlers and drove 700 miles away to start a new job. To be honest I couldn't get rid of him fast enough he'd become such a thorn in my side with all of his addiction issues and apathy. It took a long time for me to miss him physically. Then when I finally started really to wish to be back with my husband again the nuclear bomb dropped and the fallout has continued until today with no real end in sight. Nothing kills physical desire like finding out you are only one of hundreds and that you aren't even close to the preferred partner.

I can't believe I'm still here after 5 years. That the patterns of addiction continue unchanged even with his multiple groups, the adhd discovery, his self awareness etc. After so long of on-again-off-again I finally found a place to emotionally sit down and see if he could fix things. I have no real desire for him any more. Infact after everything that has happened between us I have no idea if I ever want that part of him back any more. It seems my dream self has other plans.

I dreamed of him last night for the first time in years. Nothing crazy, just a calm comforting moment between us that sparked that old flame of desire I had for him when we married. Just a spark though. The only thing I was left with when I woke up was sadness that this is my life, and the intense lonliness that these women I've been talking to also feel. We are women who made it... we found the man, we got married, we have dedicated ourselves to them to serve and support them - and then through these men's lust and actions we have been shown our real worth in their eyes.

I read something my partner wrote back in 2016 about how even thinking of stopping with the prostitutes causes him sadness and even pain. He's found happiness and comfort in those experiences and he feels physical pain when the thought of loosing that is presented to him. He may claim it is false love, that he hates what he does there, even that he knows he shouldn't be there... but letting go of that world hurts him. Hurts him enough to keep him tied to those damning actions. I can't even type this without feeling sick.

No matter what I've done to love him, no matter my sacrifices, no matter how much of myself I give to him - he'd rather be with them than me. He has and is continuing to choose them over me - and it's been this way for the entire time I've known him. I can't even imagine his thoughts and desires for them over the last few years now that I'm effectively out of the picture emotionally and physically.

I really wonder how often I show up in his dreams. How often it's me he is with... or if it's one of these hundreds of other faces he's been with instead. How often he was asleep in a bed with me dreaming of some other experience or time with someone else. I wonder if he even considers how his dreams betray him in this marriage... the subconscious infidelity that is also driving this addiction.

The more I watch him for change, the more I see how little he wants to change... and that is telling. He's all words... words that say what I want to hear, just enough to protect his addict for a little while longer... then starting down that path to sobriety is delayed again and again. He's told me who he is... I dont' know why I refuse to believe it.

“At the bottom of her heart, however, she was waiting for something to happen. Like shipwrecked sailors, she turned despairing eyes upon the solitude of her life, seeking afar off some white sail in the mists of the horizon. She did not know what this chance would be, what wind would bring it her, towards what shore it would drive her, if it would be a shallop or a three-decker, laden with anguish or full of bliss to the portholes. But each morning, as she awoke, she hoped it would come that day; she listened to every sound, sprang up with a start, wondered that it did not come; then at sunset, always more saddened, she longed for the morrow.”
― Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

It's been 4 years

 4 years ago last week I swallowed the biggest wad of pride I've ever gagged on, gave up everything I knew to move here on a single obligatory promise - and then sat back and watched my world disintegrate while trying to raise two sweet kids and keep my sanity intact.

It's been a rough week. It seems that my lack of give a damns in my marriage is pouring over into other aspects of my life. Intense anger and frustration is back and it's directed at just about everyone and everything that gets too close.

Because of the emotional overload I've allowed my partner in a bit more just for some verbal confirmation of my situation. It kills me that the rugsweeping he's doing is getting into the cracks. I am totally damned if I buy into it... and damned if I don't right now because I have no one else here in this place.

The man is such a huge hipocrite... and even with all of the therapy groups he's in and around his work, church, and friends and the happy good guy facade he puts on - I'm the only one who knows the real truth. I'm the one who's afraid to walk into a room that he's in alone knowing what I'm walking in on as happened again this week. I'm the one who watches the idiot fall down over and over and use the same excuses over and over. I know what he needs to do to fix it too - but he never has listened to me and he most likely never will. He doesn't have the desire or the will power to do what really needs to be done to get out of this thing. Get on ADHD meds, ditch the phone and computer, strict money management, 100% honesty with his counselors and groups... the man needs a 6 month detox as well but there is no way we could afford that.

Since the conversation doors were open tonight I confronted him on the other night. I also told him about the advice column letter. I told him that not only was he wasting my time, but that he never should have brought kids into a relationship where he wasn't 100% in it. Where he was keeping so much of his addiction hidden from me. He told me he wasn't keeping me here and I was free to leave at any time.

His answers confirmed that right now he's not in recovery and really barely even trying -- though listening to him in his groups he's moved mountains already. He even alluded tonight to having more to confess. I'm not surprised. Any pain or negative feelings he has are automatically justified and medicated... and he has a ton of that right now as real consequences are staring him in the face.

He told me that he doesn't blame me for needing space away from him... but that in his addict eyes he knows he's already lost me so whether he acts out or not it doesn't matter. My distance is all the justification he needs to act out.

He also told me when confronted about him starting a family in the middle of a lie, that he was just fine marrying me and having kids because in his selfish sick mind he was getting older and wanted to reach those milestones... neither my feelings or the welfare of the kids even entered the picture. He claims that he was so far beyond rational thought that nothing but his needs mattered. Period. There was no tomorrow or consequences, or hurt feelings involved... just his wants. It's still only just his wants.

He also told me that he is fully aware that he sucked me in back then, and then used up every last bit of good will I had to offer until we are now at an impasse. He showed no remorse or even sadness when he said it either. I guess since I'm no longer offering the addict anything I am useless in his eyes. I've become just one more torment in his life. There was no spark of love left in him either.

I believe it's almost reached a point where he doesn't care if his family goes away or not as long as the conflict and pain stops... and that means just giving in to the addiction. The real truth is if we go it will fully justify the addict taking full license to to whatever the hell he wants on his way to complete destruction.

Two years he's been in this recovery program and his sobriety numbers remain the same, or worse. 4 and a half years since D-day and the same behaviors continue. 4 years of dragging us along on this pathway to insanity while he expends all this energy on his facade and protecting his vices and tries to figure himself out. Almost 12 years of the slow death of this marriage.

The way things are going right now I can't imagine this mess lasting much longer in it's current state. One of us is going to crack soon.