Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Dead

I've just spent two glorious weeks away from the craptastic neighborhood I live in and away from the addiction crazy. I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore... but I'm not really regenerating either. Im' just going through the paces. Going back scares me. Thinking of having to deal with my partner for another 9 months, another school year, is nauseating most of the time... so I try not to think about that. I know I'm going to have to deal with it eventually.

Watching my kids here makes me both happy and sad. They are loving the space... the extra rooms to play in, the comfy couches and outside porches to relax on, the fun things they are doing with their grandma and aunts. You can see the joy radiating from them instead of the oppressiveness that is their real home. This is the life I wish I could give them. Quiet, safety, space, love, relaxation. My son marvels at the fact that grandma doesn't lock her front door. My daughter runs outside to play in the shade on the lush grass and spends time painting in the sunlit kitchen. It makes me angry that they don't have this in their own home. That we are so stuck in stupid all the time.

Until yesterday/today I have not talked to my partner. I honestly cringed when he called or I had to get him on the line with the kids. In many ways I wish I could just erase him from my life. Just pick up and start from right now and move forward without the constant crazy and pain.

Since we're half way through summer I confronted him on how he is doing. The answer was no shock. He's gone into full blown depression. He's skipped work a few days, come home early, missed multiple SA meetings. He's acted out daily since we left. He claims that the rent money is still intact... but he has enough extra cash lying around that it doesn't mean much. Talking to him he was acting so happy and 'all is right with the world'... but then when I confronted him I listened as his mask slipped. He became angry, resentful, combative. He confessed to acting out oosing shame and hate toward me and himself... then moments later he was back to smalltalk and happy go lucky sugar coating. I can see the hidden door in the bookshelf now. The one he steps in and out of as he migrated between fantasy and reality. It took total detachment to get there, but I can see it now.

I told him tonight that I'm not sure that I love him. I've never felt so dead inside. Knowing that I have never been loved, that his world was set up to cheat me out of truth along with this sham of a marriage. All those times I reached out and was either used, taken advantage of, or even belittled. Every kindness, every act of intimacy, every hand up to the next step - none of it mattered. He has managed to destroy everything good. He has been my best friend... and yet right in this moment I could care less about him. My patience is gone, my good will is gone. I just feel dead inside when it comes to him.

I dread returning home and going back to the other room night after night. Trying to force a smile when I'm around him. There is no longing for him, there is no joy at the thought of him - only dread and sacrifice and pain. The only thought right now that even sparks fear is the thought that as indifferent as I feel toward him and our relationship he will find someone else to fill that gapping need he has to be loved. That the door will close permanently with him. Then again what would I really be loosing? Honestly?

I read a story today about a woman who's husband left after 18 years of marriage and he went off to crazy town leaving everyone around him - his kids, his parents, her, wondering what was going on. The woman realized after a phone call with her exMIL who demanded that it was her job to save him from himself that she had already done that. For 18 years she had done that. She had supported him in everything, made him look normal, gave him a reasonable functional life. Then he left and the support stopped. What she and everyone else were seeing in him was the crazy man he would be if he was left all on his own all those years. Unable to function in a normal capacity.

I honestly don't know what my partner's life would look like if he hadn't met me. Maybe he would have met someone who would have held his feet to the fire from the getgo and he would be miles from where he is now... or maybe he'd be a complete degenerate back in prison for life. Instead he's a cake eater, using knowledge and manipulating other's pity to drag this addiciton through life with him. He's using me too. I also know if he found someone else that was better for him there would be little remorse left for me. I'd just be another 'problem' in his box of stuff to hide from. How sad is that?

I honestly don't know what I should do right now. I want to stay here. There is nothing back with my partner to keep me there right now. He's still holding onto straws of hope... but even he didn't say I love you on the phone tonight and he always does. His happy little veneer is crumbling. I'm not sure if he's taking any of this seriously or not, but he did tell me that I had to do what I felt was necessary. He's not even going to try to stop me if I go. Some of the seriousness is sinking in maybe. If he would just stop being an asshole maybe we could figure something out. As it is there isn't any point in wasting more energy on the relationship.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Struggling

Well, I survived. I've had my nails dug into life since January just hanging on until I could finally get away from my partner, the other half of this marriage contract gone bad.

I left Monday for 6 glorious weeks away from him and his crazy and other than a few texts have been blissfully free from him long enough now that I feel like I can finally breathe - and it's not just the improved air quality. I don't even feel a bit guilty that I don't even miss him and have even felt a few times like he's non-existant. If dealing with someone is so painful that you mentally and physically feel a sense of relief and even joy at the thorn being taken out of your side when they are removed even for a while there has to be a serious problem there.

Then again as I relax my nerves and let go of the stress surrounding dealing with a man who has repeatedly caused so much pain and chaos I'm finding more pain. I've been emotionless about all of his actions for so long as a matter of survival that I can feel the flood gates starting to spring leaks.

I have been rotating between feelings of not wanting my kids to be shipped all over the country on all their vacations and major holidays to spend time with their other parent and screwing with their lives in that way to thinking that I can't go another day in this marriage as it is. That man's actions have brought the police repeatedly into my children's lives. They should never have to go through that. Ever. His callous actions toward all of the times I've swallowed my pride and my fear and reached out to him - and been ridiculed and even punished for it. One by one he has destroyed every good thing in this marriage and in my life with him and left me numb.

I have tried to be a good wife. I've been faithful, I've been charitable, I've been forgiving - over and over and over I've been forgiving, I've even tried to be understanding in a situation that is impossible to understand. In return I have been broken.

Maybe I should feel bad that he's home all alone and missing out on this fun summer of plans and family time... but I don't. I needed to get away from him so badly that I couldn't even drive fast enough out of the state. I don't even have a desire to talk to him right now and I'm pretty sure that isn't going to change much anytime soon.

I feel so sad for the loss of my marriage. The small affections, the caring about each other's days, or how they are feeling. To participate in their joys and sorrows... the feeling of belonging to someone and to something important and bigger than just you. It's hard to accept that you have ended up as one of those women who have never found or felt real love from a man... and I've been married twice now - how amazingly sad is that.

My vacation is only getting started so I know there are a lot more nasty and painful feelings to come. For now I'm going to bury myself in my work, enjoy my children's laughter and joy at being with their grandma and cousins and ignore the phone. I honestly and truely can't take one more thing from him right now. This is kind of a trial period. If he messes this up it's very possible I'm just going to stay here with the kids. I actually brought all of the important papers with me this time around. I'm so close to my breaking point on this.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

That was a short ride

I think my head just exploded... but again I'm not really surprised.

So surprisingly my partner has accepted this whole ADHD thing and has even picked up a few books on his own. Yay! He wouldn't touch the two books I had read however that were sitting there within access to him in our apartment... he had to go off and get some that weren't tainted by me I guess.

He also called this psychologist we tracked down and spent two weeks trying to actually talk to somebody. They don't take insurance so we needed to find out what the deal was with them. Let's just say it's expensive. Somehow in my understanding of his brain I figured this was the perfect route for him even with the cost. The guy is top of his industry with all the toys and tools and IS expensive - just what my partner looks for in a way out of his addiction. I figured he'd get the analysis, sit down with a real brain dr. and get a personalized treatment plan just for him with someone who could quantitatively monitor his progress with real science. Not only that but he'd get the hand to hold to help keep him on track to keeping up with treatments so he'd actually succeed for once. We would be moving forward for a change. Stupid me for seeing that benefit, right?

So in our conversation the other night I asked him what he was thinking of doing. He said basically that he'd found a book (caution ahead) that was all about natural remedies (major warning bells) and that he'd rather take all the money he'd spend on the diagnosis and real treatment with this dr. and just start taking these supplements, natural extracts, oils etc and changing his diet (just kill me now). He asked me if I cared if there was an official diagnosis. Frankly I don't care about a diagnosis. They can find out he's the reincarnated Queen of Sheba as long as he accepts he has a problem that according to all the documentation is fixable and gets some help for it because neither of us can continue on this way.

However, without a diagnosis and a coach to get him healthy and monitor him, we all know he's not going anywhere. Not only that but it means he is still fighting tooth and nail against any real medication they could possibly provide him to get him past this issue without getting all the facts about it because of the damn FFA and the belief he will somehow get to fly again some day. He told me flat out he won't take any real drugs.

So I parked that sinking feeling I had in my stomach just in case I wasn't understanding him right and I asked about the book that he's been reading that has him convinced that he's going to get better eating more oranges and chewing grape seeds. (look out more dental bills).  

He's been reading one by a therapist who is very well known and respected for his marriage/relationship repair books, but has recently (like in the last two years) ventured into the ADHD world as he claims to have 'cured' his own ADHD with vitamins and supplements and then wrote a book about how everyone out there can benefit from his discovery. Read: another individual making money off of his 'credible source' celebrity status and personal unscientifically proven story of 'healing' using homeopathic remedies that will of course work for everyone everywhere instantly - and if they don't you weren't using them right.... right.

Same quack MO for my partner, different day. AAARRRGGGGGG!!!! We just got kicked back to freaking square one.

I sat there at that point completely broken and just turned everything back onto him. What did he want to do. How did he want to proceed. What did he think was best. I'm done. I've given up. Years from now we're still going to be stuck in this exact same place with him. He just refuses to see the pattern.

Of course he also throws in there that he wants to do the diet not the Dr. but he wants me to do it with him. He say's he cares for my health. He says he wants me to experience the benefits as well. He thinks it would help me too. Sigh. No. Him actually staying faithful in our marriage is the only thing that will improve my life at this point. He just wants a hand to hold so that he can actually make it more than 3 days on the 'diet'. He want's me to be ok with paying double the cost for all these supplements he taking along with me while my kids give up extracurriculars and we cut vacations to pay for it all. We're already paying through the nose just for his monthly therapy and alternate addictions.

At that point I kindly but firmly told him I wasn't going to be there to be his coach, mother or wife in this. We have no real relationship. Any good will I felt toward him in helping him while sacrificing anything of myself or my means of helping my kids for him was mortally crushed years ago and took it's final death gasp with this last round of acting out and stupidity. He finally managed to crush the unicorn I had for him. I honestly didn't think it was possible but he did it. I've been in survival mode for so long it's become normal.

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to getting away from him in a couple of weeks. 5 weeks I know won't be long enough but at least it will be something.