Sunday, August 21, 2016

Sundays

An addict's worst nightmare is a person with boundaries. - Anonymous


One of the boundaries I put in place this last time in lieu of my husband moving out or me and the kids leaving the state was that he was to find someplace else to be on Sunday after church and lunch until bed time. I didn't care where he went or what he did - but he needed to leave.

My main reason for the boundary was so that I wouldn't have to play 'happy family' all day Sunday. It already sucks that I have to put on a happy face for the service - though I've made sure the kids are sitting between us every week. We don't really do much after church other than nap or read or go for walks. I just couldn't stand having to stare at him across the room in silence knowing everything I know on a day that's supposed to be for family. My attitude just couldn't take that insult.

I say insult because this man has never really been inconvenienced by this addiction. He goes out and gets his needs met when he wants it and then comes home la de da forgetting every sick moment and choice - and honestly (and sadly) there are no real consequences for his actions. He just plays like nothing is wrong in the world and expects life to be rug-swept around him. And I've played into it. He's come to expect my acceptance of his stupitidy and trysts and my backing away from him to protect myself is just what the addict wants. I leave him alone, he leaves me alone. Addict is happy. Since he's not sober it's a perfect scenario.

In the mean time I'm now displaced from my bed again for months and so is my daughter now sleeping on the trundle. I've also been fighting depression and the lack of interest in work or keeping up the house. I spend long sleepless nights while he snores away with my gut in knots trying to make sense of this and figuring out how to move forward without him. It pisses me off to no end. He acts out - stuffs the shame - plays all nice - and the rest of us suffer while he turns a blind eye.

The kids are feeling it too. It is freaky how the topic of divorce comes up randomly and frequently - not from me but from them - and I've tried hard not to say a word to them about any of this. Last week the topic of conversation on the way home from school was about how my son has this plan. He wants to move back to his grandmas house with me and his sister while his dad stays here and works, and that he's ok if he changes schools and if dad only just comes to visit us once in a while. He said we could finally get a house with a bedroom just for me and we would be happy there. An 8 year old said this unprompted! The 7 year old also threw me off the day my husband confessed last month by randomly asking me that morning if people could still be friends after a divorce. These kids know something isn't right in their world and they are expressing that they aren't happy either.

I honestly hoped that this consequence would not only help convict him as a reminder of what he's so completely broken but also give him time to really contemplate and focus on his recovery. It's time for him to be by himself without us around him 'approving' of his crappy lifestyle and actions. He has to face reality that life is broken and he broke it.

It seemed like a win win - but whiney him can only see the punishment.

The first sunday I had to remind him to leave after lunch. He went reluctantly, but it was so much more peaceful here without him. I thanked him for giving us space. He left the next sunday after screwing around for an extra hour. I kept my mouth shut, but my glares were enough.  The third sunday he went in to sleep and I kicked him out after I realized what he was doing. He stormed out of the house slaming the door behind him. Last sunday he begged me to let him take a nap. I told him I had no control over him, but that he could sleep in his car and that I'd asked him to stay away. He threw a tantrum then went in to take a nap anyway. I confronted him with my reasons for wanting him gone. The addict was in control though. He went back to sleep and then instead of leaving after he sequestered himself in the kitchen until bed time. He washed the dishes out of guilt, but he ignored my need to have him out. No clue what next sunday will bring.

I've come to realize that this boundary is potentially the best one I've ever put in place. It's the first one that has ever really effected him emotionally and physically. I can see that it will be a good weather check for me every week to see if he willingly and kindly gives me space or if he tantrums and continues to damage my trust. This one needs to stand and I need to defend it to the end.


Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Second Guessing

We are on day 2 of the kids back to school. The transition hasn't been an easy one. The new school is a good 20 minutes away, still up a steep hill which I also hated about the last school, has an even worse drop off and pick up situation, and for some crazy reason suddenly doesn't feel like the right place to be. I mean honestly this is the best situation I can have them in currently... an advanced program that will help them get out of the hell-hole that is the local middle school (if we're here that long), a chance to accell at their own pace, more outside opportunities for the kids, and yet I just can't shake this black cloud.

On the way home today I passed a house for sale in a reasonable neigborhood so I looked it up online. That got me started in today's spiral. I was raised in a solid middle class family. My dad worked his butt off to provide for us and we didn't have everything... but we had a beautiful solid home in an amazing neighborhood. Ever since I left there I've been going down hill. First to my own apartment in a decent location, to an apartment in a slightly worse location, then renting a room from a girl for 2 years that I was never home to use. Then moving into the home with my husband on a run-down street with rentals that brought in all sorts of riffraff and police raids. Then we had to get rid of half our stuff, pack a van and come to a tiny apartment in the barrios with a lady next door who smokes pot and burns incense all day long so we have to keep our door shut restricting air flow in an apartment with no air conditioner in the heat of summer and even more cop raids.

I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that living like this is normal. Sharing a room, not being able to play outside, rusted out vehicles, weeds, used condoms, and god knows what else just outside their gate. Homeless people camped out all over the area, bars and half-way houses just down the street. There is more to life than being stuck like this. I'm tired of being on alert all the time. I'm tired of never feeling safe.

My husband is zero help in this right now. He can't even keep his own head above water. He's just tooling along in life right now - not sober - and in pure denial of how bad this situation is and how it's killing us. Him being not sober means that he's all happy-go-lucky right now. He's not running with any of his programs, just uses his free time to watch movies and the inevitable porn. Life is all great for him over there all medicated up and in denial of real life.

I tried to talk to him tonight. All I got back was "don't dwell on the negative... you'll just make it worse..." Like worse how? My husband cheating with multiple whores? No decent marriage for over 7 years now? Blowing off the third set of womens panties he managed to get home from the laundromat with just last weekend (yeah that's right the third pair in as many weeks even knowing he's destroyed his marriage - and his 8 year old son was the one who found them this time)? Stuck in this hell-hole teaching my kids not to make the same mistakes I did in choosing a spouse because this is where it lands you drowning in debt in a crappy home in a crappy neighborhood in a crappy state with ridiculous schools, an insane cost of living, no savings, living paycheck to paycheck and trying to dig yourself out is only making the hole deeper? I'm not sure we'll ever even own a home again - let alone one where I feel safe.

He told me I should think about something positive about my life right now. In 15 minutes I couldn't come up with a single thing beyond the obvious being with my kids and them being healthy. There is no more intimacy in my marriage, I reach out to internet friends and strangers multiple times a day for some sense of being, I have to go the extra mile (or 4 twice a day) just to get the kids to a reasonable school, our living situation is barely tolerable, we're heading into the 100 degrees in the house daily for a month period of the year, my depression is tangible, the financial situation makes it that much worse - and I hate it here. I think that just about covers everything.

I keep drifting back to the conversation I had a few nights ago. I had been reading his history book asked him if he thought that maybe I was really the one he had written about in his journals in his early 20's when he was speculating about his future wife. He flat out told me that he doesn't believe that there is only one person out there that would work as a spouse as in "the one" and that he's sure if he wasn't with me he'd have found someone who would accept him... oh but that he loves me. Obviously not enough to work his programs, stay away from whores, or heaven forbid stop lying to me constantly.

I just have to keep telling myself that I'm not here for him, I'm here for the dog and my other two responsibilities I signed up to help with this school year. The kids are ok and can use this year to catch up their schooling and then in 10 months I'll either have a better marriage, or I'll have no marriage. At least there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's getting easier and easier to walk away.


Sunday, July 31, 2016

Still stuck

It's been a really rough week. Thursday last week was the day I planned to leave. Everything was ready. I was going to have the kids pack their clothes and important belongings and we were going to head out for home state. I'd planned to leave in the evening after traffic so that my husband could say goodbye just before his SA meeting support and so that he'd have time to adjust. He's furlowed at work all next week. I knew it would be for the best.

Then I had a late night wed. Woke up feeling awesome after a beautiful and happy dream about travel to meet friends and exotic places. And work crashed down. I spent all afternoon fixing major issues for my clients. By the end I didn't have it in me to go. I've come to learn that my husband has secrets that he never shares. His are filthy and evil... but I also have many secrets that I don't speak. They are more for self protection... but they are still a wedge in the marriage. I can't believe that it's gotten to be this way.

We had our thursday night touch base. I tried to express that I'd found that I have secrets too and am not helping in rebuilding the relationship... but turns out he is still an unfeeling ass. There is no remorse in him. The news that he just about lost us that day didn't even seem to phase him. He's gone completely numb to any feeling at all. He's not sober and he's not trying to be. He even admitted to taking another pair of panties from the laundromat last Sunday and using them... but didn't keep them all week according to him. I just can't even at this point.

I practically begged him to just see that us leaving was the right thing to do. I know I don't need his permission, but this would be so much easier if it was a mutual agreement. He only said he'd think about it.

Friday we spent another $150 on the therapist. Not a clue what they talked about, but he told me that the therapist believes that us leaving would be the worst thing right now so he's sticking to that story. He apparently needs that grounding. I honestly would like for my husband to heal... but I'm still not convinced that using me and the kids as tools to that end is appropriate. The therapist even mentioned that he thought 6 months separation for infidelity was a bit much... apparently this man has never been cheated on - repeatedly. He's also apparently of the opinion that we're trying to save the marriage. At this point I think it's just survival until I can appropriately leave.

So far my husband has respected the ground rules to this new separation so I'll give him that. I moved into the kid's room from the couch this weekend. He's been holeing up in his room when he's home and today being sunday he's out of here after lunch for the rest of the day thank goodness. He's been good not to touch me.

He's also been binging for the last three nights straight. No wonder things are going well during the day - he's drunk on lust in his happy place so all the world is awesome right now. I just went in to check his journal and la de da on the screen was the proof of last night's/this morning's binge website he'd never bothered to close. When I walked into the bathroom after that lovely revelation he'd written  I love you in red marker on the mirror. His lovely attempt at making me feel special this morning just about made me puke. How degrading and disgusting does someone have to be to binge on porn all night and then leave that for his wife the next morning. Unbelievable.

I also found out that he's in full on fantasy mode. He believes that he is going to move into the garage now. Use it as his man cave. Get a hammock etc. He'll exercise out there, work on projects, poop in a compost toilet, run his electricity off of his own homemade solar panels, cook his meals in a solar oven that he's all built from scratch. If he's going to do that why not just us leave and he can set himself up wherever he wants?!?

I am in complete awe at the delusion in this man. He gets told no once by someone who can truely mess up his dreams in life that he shouldn't have even gone to see, goes on a two week binge including three sexual encounters - and breaking every boundary I have by using me too - then gets caught and forced to come clean and honestly set up the confession believing he could talk me into pitying him and feeling sorry for this poor addict who just can't control himself - while still keeping all of the truth from me.... THEN after being told me and the kids are probably leaving after this last round, going through the hell of talking to clergy, sponsors, therapists, group members etc... and even learning that it was only by the grace of god and a few panicked clients that he still even has a family is continuing to live in this lust cycle and act out.

I've told him that for now I'm staying. It's not for him though. The dog simply can't make the move, the kids have a great opportunity at the school this year, I have made committments for multiple activities for the next 10 months, and my credit needs to clear so I can look at getting a house and not just another apartment this time for me and the kids.

I sometimes wonder how I got so lost. Stuck here dealing with this crap over and over again. I had it in me once to do great things. I've always known this place was just a stop-over. It's time to start reaching for my own dreams again.