Monday, November 13, 2017

sex abuse revolution

The media has been interesting over the last few weeks. It started last month when some high ball skeevy producer named Harvey Weinstein was outed for sexual harassment, assault and rape by a number of A and B list celebrity women. Someone got brave enough to put their career on the line and once the ball got rolling dozens of actresses and other women came forward with their own stories. He lost his job, his wife, his status with the big wig academies and boards, and a number of in the works movie contracts. He's on his way to court and possibly jail. The stories being told all point to a deviant man who thought power gave him license to be a jackass.

Shortly following that cascade social media started a Me Too campaign when people could out themselves and the perpetrators of being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Hundreds of thousands joined in with their stories of everything from catcalls to repeated rapes. From the highest of entertainment venues down to the lowliest of maids and secretaries.

I'm not clear on whether it was solidarity or the chance to jump on the media wave but dozens more major and minor celebrities started to come out of the woodwork with their own allegations. Every morning there are new accusations and new men being targeted.

Following in the footsteps of golf pros, comedians, politicians, sports stars, journalists, and run of the mill next door neighbor perverts it's now the entertainment industries turn.

News outlets are calling it a tipping point in American culture where women are tired of being nothing more than targets for sexual misconduct and fear mongering while others are pointing out dozens of other cases (Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, the list goes on) where nothing seemed to stick and no real consequences were ever handed out.

"That's just how men are" is a thick and rampant excuse used by men and women alike these days. Perversion, masterbation, pornography, erotic massages, catcalling, dehumanizing women and worse girls has not only become the norm it's come to be expected. Men are being taught by our culture that sex is a tool to be used to pull others down so you can get your own needs met. Sexual violence is going beyond actual physical assault to a psychological weapon to control and manipulate people.

The sad part is that very few men (or women) are actually LEARNING from these shamed men and their stories. They see it only as one more pervert getting caught because he was sloppy... not something they themselves have to guard against in their own lives, or moderate their own reactions toward women over.

What is worse is what the women are starting to expect and accept as normal. They are also buying into the belief that when they step out on the street they will be catcalled, objectified and sexualized... it's just the way life is. They accept their lack of power as just the way things are and they march on . At home they compete with internet porn, chat lines, busty coworkers their husband has been around all day, and give into sex with a man demanding she be like all these other women so that his fantasies are fulfilled... taking all and giving nothing.

The world is changing right now. The more knowledge we have about sex abuse, the stronger we fight, the less it seems to matter to the masses. It's just becoming standard every day news. Look at the bastard we have as a president. Look at all the men taking beat downs in Hollywood right now who will be back to their jobs in 6 months with nobody the wiser. We are becoming desensitized to sex abuse and misconduct through an over abundance if info. A decade from now (or sooner) men like Harvey Weinstein won't be making headlines... they won't even make the mid section of the daily papers.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Addiction + ADHD

Addiction + ADHD = you do everything you can to forcefully defend your constant brainless actions not only because you don't/can't care about others, but that you are clueless as to what you are doing to others at all. 

Here’s just a little peek into what life is like living with someone with adhd and addiction. I’m so tired of dealing with this.

I think I mentioned years back that I started a new hobby – saltwater reef keeping. I just have a small tank and I’m all self taught on this stuff so I’m not really at where I hoped to be (beautiful coral collection growing well, lots of fun fish – maybe a 100+ gallon tank by now) and I can use all the help I can get.

When I got this tank it was at a particularly low point in my relationship and life and honestly working on it was the only thing that made me really smile for a long time. At the same time I also found out about a reef keeping convention that I really wanted to attend. Turns out that when we moved it put me within an hour of the convention center. Then for the next 3 years I tried to make it there. I planned it and something always came up.

So this year was the year. I’d waited 5 years for this. I put it on the calendar in January. I reminded my husband a month out, then two weeks out. I did all the research got the entrance money put aside, got my tank ready for any new additions I might bring home and worked hard to make sure my clients were all taken care of so I could enjoy it.

Then a week out my partner decides to take a friend up on an offer to take his “part time job” idea to her craft show. He then offers to take my kids over instead with the project they were working on for Christmas gifts to sell at their school. Great, sure no problem… except that’s not what these were made for and I’m not making any more. But hey, it will work out because I’ll be able to just go to my show alone -- all the better!

Two nights out… two… he remembers that “oh yeah, I have my 2 hour therapy meeting that morning right when I’m supposed to be setting up! I start having alarm bells going off. This location is on one of the busiest crossroads in the country and right off of the street. I have an 8 and 9 year old who get looking at shiny stuff or chasing each other around and space out the fact that yeah, they shouldn’t be running in the street. Then double that with the possibility of child snatching in an instant off of that road and no… my kids aren’t going to be going with you alone to this if you’re going to be plugged into your phone for hours not paying attention. They are not alone with him for this very reason… and then add in the busy street and strangers?!?

So I tell him (pissed of course) that I’ll rearrange my plans to go help him set up and then sit there with the kids while he has this meeting and then I’ll go and try to catch the class I really wanted to take he was all “oh yeah you wanted to do that this weekend). Stupid. “I’ll have to trade you cars so I can cart everything over there. Great. So now I have to drive his old stickshift car an hour in LA traffic when it already gives me serious anxiety all so he can do this thing. I’m not happy but I’ll make it work.

So I get things ready for the kids. Make sure everything they need is ready and watch.

The night before he had the gall to ask me – “So what do I need to take over for this thing?” WTF??? I told him it wasn’t my responsibility. That I had the kids ready and would stay long enough to help him till his meeting was over and then I was out of there but this was his gig not mine. I didn’t even want to be there. He then proceeds to tell me that “Oh, yeah! I totally forgot I also have a meeting with my life coach at noon!”

At this point I was seeing red. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with him having that conversation within earshot of the kids, that I needed him to be fully in the moment if he was watching them in such an unsafe location, and that they were going to be bored stiff after an hour and that was going to cause problems… and he had the balls to get angry and inform me that I was being controlling, that I had no faith in my kids ability to function, that I might as well just take them with me and let them loose out on this chance to learn to sell. Fatalistic, absolutes, name calling, addict shit.

That’s the third time this week I’ve had to end a conversation when the next thing out of my mouth was fire and venom. I took my computer and went to my room to watch movies and try to accept the fact that yet again his assholery and stupidity was going to demand I sacrifice this event I’d been looking forward to for weeks… years…

So I get up the next morning. We have to leave in an hour and he’s still in bed. I feed the kids a good breakfast, take care of the dog, get the kids’ stuff ready. Still no idiot. So I go and dig the canopy and chairs out of the garage, pull the car around. Find the tablecloths and cards and markers. Then he gets up.

I’ve already decided how the day is going to end up going. I would stay till 10, go home and wash dishes (that he should have done the night before per his goals) so I could get some other things done in the afternoon, go back at noon so he can have his call, then take the kids out of there for the last two hours then go back for cleanup.

We get there and it doesn’t take long for me to realize that #1 the table he brought isn’t big enough for all of the books he’s hauled along leaving no space for the kid’s project and #2 we could use some cording to hang these things from the canopy. So I jump into the car for half hour ride number two that morning to get another table and yarn. We get things set, I caution the kids and him and head out.

Went back at noon (trip number 3 now) the bastard had already had his call. He had ‘forgotten’ that there was a time change between the states (like he hasn’t been doing this for 2+ years now) and had the call already… but didn’t bother to call me, went ahead and took it anyway knowing full well my feelings on the matter, ignored the kids for a full half an hour and couldn’t even be bothered to apologize for me driving all the way over there for nothing.

I’m beyond livid at this point. I’ve missed my convention again, my kids are hot and bored just like I’d predicted, I’ve yet again allowed them to be in a position to be neglected by their father and overhearing things they shouldn’t, I’ve spent almost 3 hours preparing and driving in the car driving back and forth for this stupid event that I wanted no part of to start with and it’s only noon.

I took the kids to the park, went back and cleaned up and haven’t spoken to my husband since. There has been no apology for messing up my day, no thank you for sacrificing something that important to me, nothing but entitlement and attitude. Not only that but he’s acting just like he can push yesterday and this last week under a rug and la de da go on with his happy brainless life.

I have hundreds of examples of life dealing with this. I’m so tired and my patience is gone.

And this weekend was just the frosting on a crappy week that included my questionable dr who spent a half hour berating me in broken English for going 3 years without a physical because he won’t work with someone who doesn’t make him money by showing up yearly, telling me I’m fat and will die, that I must visit a sleep center, get a mammogram, and then forgetting to give me the only thing I went in for – a prescription for blood pressure pills. He’s also demanding I go in every 6 months now holding said prescription over my head. I need to find a new doctor.  

A trip to a child psychologist to interview for my son where I poured my heart into the session telling him everything going on in my family so that John could be safe talking to him about anything, only for him to basically tell me that he wouldn’t work for me if I couldn’t throw him $170 a visit weekly for at least a year. Waste of time and money, classist jerk. Not sure I even want to find another psychologist.

Waking up to my partner “tapping” my son and making him say he was a bad boy, stupid, dumb, and that nobody liked him… there was no spirit in our home, no common sense, no understanding of adolescent brain patterns… and apparently no remorse from my partner either as all he can do is defend himself and even a week later has the stupidity to believe he was in the right and did nothing wrong. I asked the dozen or so women in my therapy group who do EFT and they all said hell no to using absolutes like that. You don’t say “I am stupid” you say at most “people think I’m stupid”… especially with kids. They were all appalled he would do that! But heaven forbid their combined knowledge, my two hours of research on the subject or the common sense god gave a rock convince him that him making his kid say those things about himself isn’t damaging as hell.

My husband whining yet again that the book app he really wanted access too on his phone wasn’t synching with Net Nanny and I hadn’t been able to ‘allow him access’ to yet another time waster in his life so I stripped Net Nanny from his phone completely followed by a conversation about why we even had it if he could get anything he wanted through the incognito browser he installed on his computer, tying the 4g from his phone into his work computer to get out to anything he wants there, and having access to the audible and amazon apps on his phone where he can purchase all the smut he wants anyway. Waste of my time, money and energy.

And then finding a kitten at the animal shelter I visited with and fell in love with after looking for the last 6 months, only to have it gone 4 hours later when I took my kids in to meet it and adopt on what the tech assured me was a ‘slow day’. Totally disappointed my kids too.

This week also marks my 12th anniversary. I took the kids to meet their dad for dinner then we came home to watch a movie and went to bed early, and he went to an SA meeting. He sent me roses and a card that had a number of hard to believe personal traits listed and said “to my wife on our 11th anniversary…”

I feel like I’m being crushed.

Thursday, September 28, 2017


I read an article today that kind of has me down. The lady talked about how her husband has never found her physically attractive and how depressing that has been for her. The article sighted many reasons this may happen including porn use, impotence, libido issues, the husband feels controlled, depression, shame, unrealistic expectations of the 'fantasy wife' on both the part of the man and the woman, body issues, odd expectations. No matter what the reasons behind it no woman wants to accept that she is not desired by a man that she loves... it cuts to the core and plays on her most primal fears of safety and rejection. Everyone wants to be accepted if not loved for everything that they are not just in pieces.

That article played into a theme running through my therapy group. How hard it is to be the wife of an addict knowing full well that you cannot and never will live up to the fantasy women in your husbands head... worse even that he is projecting on you those fantasies and turning you into a woman that you would never dream of being.  Either way - the woman isn't being accepted for who and what she is.

I've often mentioned that I didn't exactly win the genetic lottery. You look through my family tree and you can see the square faces and the round bellies for generations back. I'm built for surviving the wild western prairies, running the plow and birthing the kids...  not swooning over a gelato wearing silks in the big city. Trying on wedding dresses was the most painful experience of my adulthood realizing that I was built like a football player... I couldn't get my shoulders into anything. Or as the dress maker for the second one asked calling me all the way from China "are you pregnant by any chance?". No. I'm just square. Thanks.  I can't even count the number of times I've been called sir - even with my long blond braid and somewhat girlie clothing. My ex wondered if a picture of me taken by a sorry looking Christmas tree was a halloween picture - because 'you look like an ugly witch'.  The picture was of a fond memory... but I had to throw it out after that. His words still echo in my head almost two decades later. My current partner has even told me how masculine my face looks comparing me to male profiles in old pictures... more than once... as he looks at thin midwest playboy centerfolds and screws tiny asian whores in the massage parlors.

Then throw in the humidity in this place and my thinning curly hair which is either under a hat or all over the freaking place, my penchant for jeans and cotton scrub shirts so I can handle the 90+ degree heat INSIDE the house for months during the year and my sensitivity to mascara and makeup and I'll be the first to admit I'm a complete mess on your girly femininity scale.

It certainly doesn't help that my partner has never really desired me and certainly has never put me first in his sex life. This 'mess' however is still able to serve her family and community, care about others and work to make things in her life as good as they can be.  And this mess has feelings.

I was thinking today about my earlier post about how I haven't been loved by either of my husbands. I realized that it expands far beyond that to every guy who was ever in my life. Some I never got to know well, others I had no chance with but still... not only that but every guy I have ever had waltz through my life had serious issues... I mean look at this...

My very first boyfriend in 6th grade ended up a drug addict and essentially fell off the face of the planet... if he's still even alive.

I didn't have another male friend until high school, he was one of two boys I ever dated in that 3 years and he flirted with my best friend for the whole date and ended up dating her for the rest of the next year.

The other guy I went on a date with I still count as a friend, but one to hold at arms length as he was drunk or high for most of a decade and slept with anything female. I was just his token religious friend who refused to be conquored. There's no way he had any feelings beyond friendship.

Another guy in college I thought liked me, till I showed up at his house with a pizza one evening and he was with another girl. Awkward. I left him the pizza and the other girl. He ended up marrying her and divorcing 2 years later. He had his own special set of problems. I dodged a bullet there.

Then there was the loveable guy with asbergers who knew it would never go anywhere from the start but somehow got his hopes up and dropped me hard when I moved on. He had a hard time grasping many social concepts including our religious differences.

Then there were the random guys i met for dates here and there who just didn't ever seem to have it together. One would send letters snail mail but never call (pre texting here btw), others drank too much, talked about their exes too much, tried to find the way around the rules, or just flat out didn't find me at their level of attraction. Again with the desire issue. I don't doubt that had a lot to do with so many first and done dates.      

Then my ex. Wow. Hell of a lot of nope there. Narcissists can't love what they can't control.

Now this one. I'm honestly not sure why he married me beyond just getting to his next goal post in life he was so far into the lust fog. Marriage was the thing to do and I was willing so he went with it - but obviously it didn't mean a whole lot to him. I'm sure I filled many of the needs he had been lacking - organization, money skills, social language, work ethic etc. because of the ADHD and emotional connection issues... but I get the feeling more and more that he just settled. He certainly didn't marry me for the sex. Because he's not sober long enough to connect to his emotions right now either - I may never know if he's ever really desired me.

The article today ended mentioning Leah in the Bible. Jacob didn't want her. He wasn't attracted to her. The only way she got him (or anyone) as a husband was because she and her family coherced Rachel into silence and tricked Jacob into marrying the wrong girl. The level of lies and effort that went into hiding her on her wedding day so that he wouldn't know the deceit. Her knowing full well that her wedding and wedding night she was some other woman in his mind. The anger he had to have had toward her and her family! The scorn for the 7 additional years Jacob had to work for this family and the animosity that had to create just to get the woman he really wanted.

But the story says that God saw her situation and blessed her anyway.  I guess I'd much rather have God's love and blessings than man's imperfect and often cruel love.

Doesn't make life any easier though for the undesireable.